Tuesday, October 10, 2006


Every once in a while I get these extraordinary epiphanies that make me feel incredibly small. The more I think about venturing out west, the more I feel it's just for me and not a career path move. Call me selfish, but I'm almost sick of hearing other people's stories (tornado victims, myspace heroes, joe schmoe bloggers, etc) and it's making me not want to put my shit out there even though I have two blogs and am continuing to think about stand up. I definitely want to move west and it may be sooner than April if things work out, but the more I delve in my head about the subject of "the business" in any capacity, I'd rather be around real people than people of the industries. Don't get me wrong, I love show bidness, but to immerse myself in it to do the same thing that millions of other people are doing brings hives to my neck. I can't get over the competition aspect of performing. It all becomes a test and I am a horrific test taker. I remember in elementary school my best friend Danny and I were put in the principal's office or something to take a "smart" test. Fuck if I knew what it was because I couldn't pay attention long enough to grasp the concept. Apparently, I wasn't a gifted child and I have long since accepted that, but in all honesty, the lack of competition and self confidence was never present. Something happened and I stopped feeling confident enough to grab the bull by the horns and go after the things that I want. Whatever everybody else wants to do is fine as long as we're all going and having a good time. Now it's just me. I'm fine with that because it sure does cost less, but for the most part, I am the only single of my close friends. I've been waiting for this to start happening and the circle around me just got tighter. There are several positives along with the usual negatives and I have been doing a tremendous job with not feeling like a third wheel. The benefits include, but not limited to are some free meals, good company, and a change of scenery. One of the uncomfortable aspects of this is the unintentional pity. Believe you me, I'd love to have a significant man in my life, but at this point that might be the only thing that is a major force in my ability to travel with no strings. I was just stag at a wedding two weeks ago and I have another with the same accompaniment in just about a week. I've never been asked to go a wedding with a man except a roommate situation, nor have I been asked to dance at a wedding other than by friends. Ohhhh whoa is me. This sounds so cliche, awesome. The bottom line is that these occurrences are fun, exciting, and super helpful to put happy times and super people in my head. It was helpful to visit with some of the most amazing friends in NYC a week ago. I am truly blessed (yes, it is a blessing to have wonderful friends, family, and health) to have these people in my life and though it can't always be full of visits like it was this year, it has been awesome.

NOTE: This has been sitting as a draft for a few weeks adding a few points today and it sure is apparent that I continue to have the same junk swimming in my head. Clarity is approaching, I can feel it.

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