Wednesday, October 11, 2006


You might think I'm crazy, for driving all night long. You might think I'm foolish to keep the moon as my guide. You might think it's hysterical to drive with all these wheels, but all I want is peace. It is the most peaceful thing to drive through the night with the moon at my back lighting the clear highway. Every day you meet people that complain or exclaim how something is fucked up. "It's freezing!" or "You're insane!" are two in each category that comes to mind. Sure, I am technically having "affairs" (harmless? who knows. are they affairs? what else would you call them?) with two gents and most of the people that know about it have an opinion, good or bad, but try not to pass judgement on me at least. To a housewife, hearing this information could possibly make her that much more uncomfortable about her husband working long hours or traveling a lot and to her I apologize. To others I apologize, too, but not so specifically because there are so many variations and I won't apologize to all woman because I hate most in so many ways. For the ladies like myself, commitment has not been the best friend we never had, in fact, it has been quite damaging to me in a lot of ways and only recently have I wanted to open up that part of my life again. Until about 2 years ago, I used to commit to just about everything or everyone, so I thought, but I have been continuously disappointed and hurt, by my self. My therapist is constantly telling me to not be so hard on my self, but I can't help it. My sister said it just the other day, "It's hard to be a perfectionist when you can't focus". Ah, indeed. This road trip has allowed excellent family time and major self reflection pre and post vacation. I love flying, but it is restrictive to have people have to pick you up and renting cars is expensive on top of the flight, so driving is commitment able. Willingly I stayed with my sister, her husband, and their three children longer than I had anticipated and it proved useful and delightful. Child rearing is something so familiar and so not something I want to handle or watch. Luckily, my mother doesn't surround herself with friends or relatives that would constantly ask how my love life is going and (in a Long Island accent) 'why haven't cha married yet?' And to my surprise most of my friends seem to want to ask, but know well enough, if it is happening, I will most certainly talk about it. I got a super serenade on my voice mail when I came home yesterday. The day I left to go to Virginia and NYC, MC Raz left a little Rainbow Connection with he and Mr. Paul Williams. How spectacularly sweet and too thoughtful for words. Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself when it comes to that kid and his giving, his talents, his super sensitive side and his great laugh. He is my favorite person ever. He is my Kermit the Frog in the flesh not Muppet. What's even more interesting, I think of him an awful lot because he is such a force in my life, but this trip, I didn't listen to a lot of his stuff as I normally would and it was just kind of interesting that he would do that the day I drove out to Va. Ah, timing. The radio got the music bid for the trip out. I must say the top three stations consistantly through the trip were country, Rap/Hip Hop/new R&B, and the evangelist/Jesus people. That was the first Chicago to Va road trip without cigs. Turning the dial helped with the fidgety behavior. Road trips rule.

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