Sunday, November 26, 2006

Good Mix for your tummy

Happy post Thanksgiving to all. It was indeed a day to be thankful. The morning was spent with two super folks in addition to a church hosting a Thanksgiving meal free of charge for those who feel so inclined. It was a glorious mix of good and hungry folks. These types of circumstances always get my heart hurting and my ducts a-workin'. For that day, I did pretty good by keeping busy and channeling the good thru a smile as opposed to tears. Sometimes volunteer situations bring on stress and discomfort, but the folk's at St. Benedict's were just as jolly as Old St Nick may have been. Seriously, most of them had rosy cheeks whether they were Irish, cookin', or helpin' about. Interestingly enough, as in many situations, people would come to me to ask for direction, "Where do the pies go?, Where can I get coffee? Do we have plastic bags? Who's in charge?", etc. Ironically enough, I knew most of the answers or some how found out before being asked. Not only was it happening, but one of my friends noticed and made note of how people seem to look to me as a possible authority figure just by the way I was standing there. Little did most of those people know that I was pretty much guarding the reserve bread and keeping out of the way, but ready to do something else if asked or if another person was needed. There were a few ladies trying to ease into my spot, but I held strong until they clearly wanted my post. Fine, I yielded and was granted a spot on the serving line anyway. It was indeed a good time. Later I joined some other friends that hosted some cousins and couple of us orphans. It was nice and mostly traditional. I miss fungos, though. Fungos: what slightly overweight or lazy men do as their form of baseball -where one guy hits a ball into to the outfield, but there is no base running. I never said I played, I was a girl and what the fuck would a girl know about baseball of any other sport.

Hope you enjoy a little Gary Larson.

I was thankful to spend at least a day with other people since the rest of the weekend was spent by myself and that's ok until I fell. I fucking fell flat on my keister with a head hittin' the refrigerator. It has left several marks. I knew it was gonna happen because Chubbs (the kitty) had a little vomit action that I had cleaned up and while I cleaned it up I made a note to myself that the spot would be slippery, and sure enough. It was kind of scary because no one called until today. I don't talk to anyone on a regular basis anymore and I was just thinking how thankful I was for not hurting myself or for not falling on Thurs and hurting myself and no one would know until Mon when I wouldn't show for work. Is menopause setting in or is it the weed talking?

Monday, November 20, 2006

careful what you wish for

At one point I said, "G-d, I wish people would stop calling me." And it is so. If I didn't work with the phone all the time, I might want to talk on the phone, but few and far between. I went the whole week end without one call or even return call from a friend. I feel good about myself

Babysitting for an allergy prone child (or an over protective single mother) brought on feelings of being left out and I used to be like, "I wanna have allergies. That would be fun to go to the doctor every other week for the next 5 years to see what, if any and all, things I am allergic to. I've not been allergic to anything per se, but have always had skin problems. Now I have a rash on my neck and other odd places (not my crotch) and am donning two patches on my back to see if I am allergic to any of the 24 "scratches". That's right, I get my allergy tests, but I bet the needles were more fun.

For some reason, I always thought about bringing on hardship to myself. I used to constantly think about 'what would happen if I stubbed my toe on that..." knowing full well it would be painful, butstill visioned the blood and the desired the pain with blood. WTF?

Sunday, November 12, 2006


Happens every time. Over analyzing. Smothering the thought instead of enjoying the idea. Anticipating every possible angle until nothing ever happens now because it is jinxed. I honestly feel as though I jinx every possible boyfriend situation and even though I can see it happening, I can't stop myself. Yeeeesh. It ends the same way, just a fade out. Few and far between phone calls suddenly just stop or the text messages don't get returned and I am fine with it more than not. I am a lover not a fighter and I have yet to meet the man I am willing to fight for. I went so far as to research some of his state's history.

It is a strange feeling to want to know something about a person so much, that you would try to find things out by the littlelist clues because you didn't have much to go on. -make sense?

Friday, November 10, 2006

My Kermit

Have you ever received a phone call from someone that has a whole lotta friends, lives thousands of miles away, and is wicked busy? You wonder, 'Man, you have so many friends and yet you have consistantly made an effort to keep in touch with me. Why me?' He is one of the people that keep me alive. There has been a dip in my positive movement forward in the last couple weeks and the phone call last night has helped lift it up just a bit. This person, in my opinion is the coolest person I have ever met. However; I am terribly awkward around him in our continued and more intimate, at times, friendship. An intense inferiority complex fueled by insecurities about myself as a human, let alone as an artist (with what ever art I continue), keep me awkward around such greatness. Why I give him that much worship is still a total mystery to me, but I think I have made my decision on how I feel about him. I still get entirely too wound up when he calls. I am not talking romantically or sexually, but something else that makes me crazy. I visited him out west not too long ago and I just was completely overwhelmed. A most creative and meditative environment. I have been dealt a variety of positive and negative things over the years. Mostly negative and dissappointment is no stranger, so it's almost expected for everything now. When something is genuinely good, all I want to do is cry because I can't handle it; I'm not used to it. I cried a few times during the trip and when I got home I felt so much better spiritually because of the place I visited physically and mentally. I have given the move out west more consideration and even went so far as to begin the actual route. Moving west is almost a crap shoot for me, but there is something creatively drawing me out there, so it seems only appropriate to check it out. My Kermit is out there, too. He's my real life Kermit the Frog and I just want him to stay in my pocket and keep me company. He sings pretty good, too. Bonus.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

1/3 retraction

OK. I take back a third of the nasties I spewed earlier today about the half sister thing, but I'm only giving a third back because you guys were obviously bitchin' about the gays so much that you almost forgot to vote to get yer baby back from that Iraq.

I also would like to say "Thank You" to America for finally understanding just how fucked up everything in our country and somewhat abroad is because of our government of yesterday. Literally. Let's hope these majors shifts help to better things.

Thank you for voting. (Hugs and hugs)


You and your conservative, ignorant. hillbilly, white people need to go back to the hole where you and your sister make babies. Honestly. Do you know what you just did? You made that cave where you and your toothless half sister live in nasty, gross, dirty sin into a home to go to after you can legally git married. You dumb, redneck, cromagnons. I hope you are happy with your decision. Now, much like those that partake in the occasional dooobage, the unions that are built on love no matter the sex, race, or domestic partner situation will be termed criminals and you incestuous ignoramuses will continue to roam free procreating with your family members and bottom-of-the-barrel-genes. Good one.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Cock Block

Take what you do not have and give virtually nothing to anyone, but yourself and ye shall find enjoyment. You are a cock block. Every time I was supposed to hang out with someone new you would text or call to see if I got some black cock and to my dismay, the black cock in question would not call or text that night. It happened 3 X's and now I haven't heard from him in over a week. Fine, it's done and I don't care, but I believe you are the constant reminder of the karma that I have damaged. In trying to be a better person all around, I have had nothing, but shit happen and a good portion of that shit I believe comes from my indiscretion with you. You sent a text yesterday announcing your next visit and I didn't respond, but I did, twice and erased them both because the more I thought about your text, the angrier I became at the whole fucking thing. And I mean, the fucking thing. It's almost as though you believe that I will always be available to you because I am weak and insecure. True to an extent. I consider you a friend (and I shouldn't) and in trying to block you out, I get more frustrated because you cut me off and now you want back in. well...FUCK YOU! You are a shit. Not once have you even thought that maybe a gesture of thanks or even a flower for my services was deserved. You and the other phone guy wouldn't even think that I might be a woman who deserved respect and possibly some care when I've spent the last 3 almost 4 years catering to what you needed. At the very least, the other guy ate me more than once and made sure that I indeed shared the same release that I gave to him. You are so caught up in the bad deed that you are doing that it has always been about you. Granted sure, you would make sure that I had my finish and in some pleasant times, we shared that together on the phone, but I will say it again, you get to love someone after you fuck me. I get nothing except the continuously whorish feeling that I've been used yet again with no thanks. And the black cock that you cock blocked? He didn't respect me either and I have one more option as it is and if that doesn't work out, we will be making our way back to celebacy lane. So let me THANK YOU for doing me the service of stopping all enjoyment because I am dying inside and now I will have to focus on my life's work instead of my next lay.