Selfish Cliches

What happened is fitting, really. I've been trying to better myself emotionally and physically without becoming self absorbed or overly selfish. It's a tough call sometimes. Now, I totally understand people who have kids and they have virtually no time outside the kids let alone time with their spouse or themselves. I have so much time to myself that I don't know what to do so I get stoned. Well, now that we have removed one vice the third less active vice gets to step up (#1 food, #2 pot, #3 sex). The cig vice removal has led way to a new confidence and more productive side to me that I thought lay dormant. I can be quite productive. This new level is allowing me to forget important dates even though I was thinking about it every day until 3 days before because some fucking friend had issues that distracted me. No excuses. I can't fucking believe I forgot my brother's 40th birthday. I am a terrible sibling, but we're all terrible. We rarely talk on the phone. The brother that turned 40, Matt, and I get along really well. We talk more than either of us talk to our other sister and brother. I feel terrible and to add insult, I ordered him Allen Carr's Easy Way to get him going on the next course of his life. It didn't seem righteous sending him the book then, but now it seems just a touch on the preachy side. Oh well, he can throw the book at me later. I hope he takes it as good intent and not me soapboxing out on him. In light of the change in my attitude, lifestyle, and healing process, I was able to handle something that would have probably been a blow not too long ago. The last 3 years has been witness to a long distance affair. I wish it had been a little more romantic, but that may have complicated it even more. The cost stars were his girlfriend and my low self esteem. My bad for continuing from my end as I made it clear that what was happening was morally unacceptable, but it didn't seem that much of a concern for him at the time. Well, this week, it matters. As strangely dissappointed I am about the rejection, and pissed off about the one sided sexual acts (and I worked pretty hard for him), I'm proud of him and hope that I find a man who has reached the morality level that he may have since experiencing this change. It was very selfish of him to take advantage of me, but I let him do it. I should have ended it a long time ago, but I felt like at least I had him wanting me. So sad to feel that way about someone who has been more selfish about it all along. Oh, he made sure that I climaxed, if I could participate, I made sure that I wouldn't fake it, because that is something else I won't do and of course I tried to get him off as well (sometimes even when I couldn't participate). Fitting because I forgot my brother's fn 40th birthday and I got fucked and "dumped" (quotes because it really wasn't a dumping, but then again it was a 3 year affair- even though it's only a girlfriend) in a rather selfish manner. I know it, he knows it, and now you know it. Damn, I worked the shit out of his cock! I'm still thinking about it, want to get off on it, and it reminds me that I'm mad about it. You fucking douchebag! Holy crap. For this, I am curling up and watching a Leave it to Beaver marathon with my newly arrived 1st season DVD.

EASY WAY

As it were, I stopped smoking cigarettes just over 5 weeks ago. I don't specifically know why I haven't mentioned it here until now since it has been on my mind constantly. Constantly in a way that makes me want to share and preach the word of Allen Carr and his method that has cured/helped/inspired millions of people worldwide on the struggles of us smokers and now non-smokers alike. Stopping has changed my life. I used to think it was only the other smoke that put me in the lowest place I could go: sloth. It was not the THC, but the nicotine. Now, I'm not saying that the smoke smoke don't slow me down a bit cuz it do, but what I let cigarettes do to me is what brought on the inner sloth. It was agreed that once I started smoking in this apartment, I'd only smoke in the front room. Then as prices went up I decided that when I smoke a cigarette, I'd smoke the cig and only smoke the cig. I wouldn't do anything while I smoked it so that I could enjoy it since it would be about an hour before I'd let myself have another. The next phase of this sloth brought me into the time of avoiding all things that kept me from smoking except my day job and I barely smoked during the 9-5 slot. It was the nighttime. The time when I could get away from my job and let my thoughts go numb by the TV and drift into Whatamigonnabewhenigrowland. I had made a promise to myself that when I turned 30 that I'd be done with cigarettes. I couldn't do it. I thought about it constantly, but I just said that I would deal with it the next day and so on until I turned 30 and was smoking at the ballpark still not ready to give it up. I finally got to a point 5 weeks ago that led me to realize I couldn't afford it now nor afford it in the next couple months. I bit the bullet, bought the book, and I can't tell you just how awesome I feel in so many different ways. I've had to deal with a few blows this week and I haven't once thought about needing or even wanting a cigarette. I still support smokers because we all are entitled to choices no matter what they be.

Out of Season

Virtually nothing about my day job is fulfilling, positive, or challenging (other than headache challenging). There are few things other than a handful of people that put a smile on my face in that cube. One of the other things that brings smiles is music, specifically, Leroy Anderson's Sleigh Ride. Last Christmas, my father gave his children a compilation of his favorite Xmas tunes and that is the only holiday music I have on the work media player. It is a delight to hear, say, ACDC then all of a sudden you hear those trumpets. Bah booodala doo doo, bah boodaladoo, etc. I can't help, but shake it out with a big ol' smile.

I'm currently creating a list of all the songs I want men to dedicate to me. I think they will appreciate my excellent taste in music and it will increase their desire to dedicate more songs to me. Almost like a challenge, like 'here's one you haven't thought of' and I'm fine with that. In fact, it's actually helping me to gain respect for myself and for future men that know what an incredibly awesome lady I would be for them and in general. Here's to my slow returning self confidence and tomorrow's softball games!

It lasted for 30 mins. At 8:59 it began, or at least that's when I noticed the steady banging. At first it may have been them getting busy in the living room and it kept stopping like they realized they were making noise, but the inconsistant banging continued for 30 mins. After changing rooms, still able to hear it, and waiting 30 mins, my balls dropped and I marched right upstairs and knocked on their door. No one responded, but they were talking and at one point I heard her giggle so I knocked again only louder and she answered. She has the nicest smile and it's so big that I feel terrible telling them to shut the fuck up. Here, for months I've been cussing them out, I will avoid them at all costs so that I don't say anything mean or stupid or even start to like them. I almost enjoy the hatred and being the elusive neighbor. I ran into them the other day as they were coming back from running. We had a nice little chat. Seeing them I'm pretty sure one would think they had been running since they had no equipment and they were wicked sweaty, but still maybe I shouldn't blurt out their activities so that they know I was watching them jog away. If they weren't so loud I wouldn't care, but when they leave, I want to see if they look like they'll be a while so I can get some quality quiet instead of false alarm 1/2 block away and right back again bs. So tonight, they were both really sweet again and damnit, that pisses me off. I can't believe I went up there, but it was perfect since he really was hammering as he was putting their new dresser together. Did I mention how cute they both are? Just precious. Damnit. It just makes it so hard to tell them they are being loud and now I feel bad when I'm angry and annoyed about the noise. The most frustrating part about it is that it almost seems like they had no clue how loud he was being. She had mentioned once that she was deaf, but seems to speak pretty well, so I dunno. At least I said something and they've been relatively quiet since. Hopefully, I looked stressed out and not like I was about to punch them both in the face at the same time. I was nice, but I showed genuine distress as though it was really hard for me to tell them to shut the fuck up. So nice to stop. I even told them that I just needed a ballpark so that I could work around them since I actually had a writing assignment to complete. The only night this week I'm home and work has been busy and annoying. But I accomplished two big things confidence wise tonight: confronting and commiting. I confronted a problem that I was having and it worked out without them throwing back any problems they have with me. He was putting together a dresser and volunteered to stop for the night which was super cool of him. I also completed a task for a deadline and though not my finest work, I think I did pretty ok.

Jewbaleeeee Softball

Super duper. Tonight was the first night I announced for the all men softball teams. I had no idea it would be all men. I'm so OK with that, in fact, so OK with it, that I wish it were more than one day a week. I'm the only girl in a sea of mostly beautiful Jewish men in their upper 20s. Even if I have no chance with any of them, my eye candy fulfillment has just hit the jackpot. SO nice. It's was so fun. I'm not the swiftest when it comes to scoring, announcing (Jewlicious) names and ad libbing on the first try. I'll admit, I'm a little on the awkward side, but once I can get a grasp on a rhythm and muscle memory, I should do just fine and make some friends in the process. As the first names were given to me, all I could think of was, 'Oh, shit, I'm gonna botch the snot out their names.' I even went so far during the last game to say, 'I'm gonna need to brush on my Jew names' forgetting that Kevin may not be cool with the new girl throwin' the 'Jew' detail out there, but then he supported my initial thought in saying that about 80% of the dudes playing are Jewish. uhm, score. Not that I'm yearning to be a shiksa, but some of the absolute nicest boys and least superficial gents that I have ever met have been Jewish. That's nice. You may hear more about this weekly. What an absolute treat this has brought to my boring life. Even if I don't meet anyone significant, I'm already having a blast.

SOY

Shame on you. Shame on you for not responding. Shame on you for not responding after you saw my picture. Shame on me for feeling super confident after we conversed emailily (new word) and not having thick enough skin to deal with the rejection. You fucking douchebag. And to think, I was gonna put my mouth on your cock. Huh. I can't believe I was so naive (again) to think that answering an ad out of the blue would once again be uncomfortable. I don't like the 'answering ads' or 'posting personals' on the internet or even in the newspaper for that matter. Not that I think there's anything wrong with it and I think it's great that people find the connections there and some that really work and survive. I believe I become more attractive the better you know me, but when it comes to these personals, I just can't get a hit. I even offered up my best services because he was upfront enough to ask for it in a non-pornographic way. Not saying that pornography is bad, but for me, that's something to bring up later after you know each other a bit. Up front right away for me signals that it's more important than a relationship. This guy asked for a decent BJ. Since recently getting out of a long term relationship and wanted a good blow, I was like 'Hell, I've been told I have a gift' and almost felt like it was a little destined that I happen to look at the misc personals on craigs for only the 2nd time in all the time I've perused. Well, as it is, third time is hoping to be the charm. I will post my own ad somewhere probably craigs cuz I ain't payin' for no datin' service. I have already decided what I will be saying, but I'm going to wait until I have another affair next week. It's not really an affair as he is not married, but indeed, they have a commitment and he is obviously needing something else. I would be the desperate fool in this tormented act of carnal secrecy. He likes keeping me a secret. I have not kept it a secret because I have a big fat mouth which is why I'm great at BJs (douchebag!) This will only be the 2nd time for our actually physically doing the deed as opposed to phone calls, somewhat obsessive on his side, but I kinda like it and he'll keep calling since I won't answer. A few times I let him go for so long that he almost gave up or at least that's what he said on the message, so I'd call him back. Got to keep him hanging he's all I got left. That's not how I really feel, but it seems kind of weird that I'm still hanging on to him and he to me. He calls too often for it to be casual. We don't just have phone sex, we actually talk about what's going on in each other's lives. He actually calmed me down on the way back from CA in April. He knows me really only by phone and some class time (old instructor), but was able to settle me down when I was freaking out about my flight being canceled. I grow concerned because he is in LA and when I make my way out there, I just wonder what will become of us. Comfortably I could go either way. I don't know that we could just remain friends because he so used to talking to me about certain things and sometimes in a certain way, so I leave it up the gods. In the meantime, I shall place a personal ad on craigs and it will be confident and honest and hopefully three will bring the charm. Cheers to all the non-douches!

Honkity HOnk honk

As it were, I am awkward, insecure, and uncomfortable with myself. Clearly I don't need any additional agents to increase the general problems I burden on myself. Driving is my stress reliever and my rage engager. Coming from my usual bi-monthly Saturday night jaunt to Trader Joe's, there was a douchebag who clearly forgot he was driving and just stopped. In response I blew my horn and (safely) drove around him. As I kept driving I wondered, 'Who's honking?' as there was no one behind me or even next to me for that matter. The horn continued for a block and a half before I realized, indeed, it was my horn. I began pressing the steering wheel where the horn is located, but nothing, so I started punching it and that only worked for a second. I even pulled over to turn the car off hoping it would help, but no. As I pulled over I could hear people telling my car to shut up. I even yelled back at a girl to tell her it was a short and that I was sorry. And the dude that pulled over for me because I must have been honking at him because clearly I was in a hurry and would continue to honk unless he moved. You can't explain a short in your horn, they only assume you're a douche. Any hand and/or arm gestures can only be some sort of mafia "whattyagonnadoaboutmehonkin'" gesture. It stopped on my block. I unloaded the groceries out of the car and shut the door which made the horn start right back up. Once again, I punched the steering wheel to get it to stop and it did. It started up about 20 mins later and I had to go back outside to deal with it. How does one handle this? Is it considered an emergency? Can roadside assistance disengage your horn? Is this one of those occurrences when AAA comes to your aid or do you risk your car getting egged over night?