Selfish Cliches

What happened is fitting, really. I've been trying to better myself emotionally and physically without becoming self absorbed or overly selfish. It's a tough call sometimes. Now, I totally understand people who have kids and they have virtually no time outside the kids let alone time with their spouse or themselves. I have so much time to myself that I don't know what to do so I get stoned. Well, now that we have removed one vice the third less active vice gets to step up (#1 food, #2 pot, #3 sex). The cig vice removal has led way to a new confidence and more productive side to me that I thought lay dormant. I can be quite productive. This new level is allowing me to forget important dates even though I was thinking about it every day until 3 days before because some fucking friend had issues that distracted me. No excuses. I can't fucking believe I forgot my brother's 40th birthday. I am a terrible sibling, but we're all terrible. We rarely talk on the phone. The brother that turned 40, Matt, and I get along really well. We talk more than either of us talk to our other sister and brother. I feel terrible and to add insult, I ordered him Allen Carr's Easy Way to get him going on the next course of his life. It didn't seem righteous sending him the book then, but now it seems just a touch on the preachy side. Oh well, he can throw the book at me later. I hope he takes it as good intent and not me soapboxing out on him. In light of the change in my attitude, lifestyle, and healing process, I was able to handle something that would have probably been a blow not too long ago. The last 3 years has been witness to a long distance affair. I wish it had been a little more romantic, but that may have complicated it even more. The cost stars were his girlfriend and my low self esteem. My bad for continuing from my end as I made it clear that what was happening was morally unacceptable, but it didn't seem that much of a concern for him at the time. Well, this week, it matters. As strangely dissappointed I am about the rejection, and pissed off about the one sided sexual acts (and I worked pretty hard for him), I'm proud of him and hope that I find a man who has reached the morality level that he may have since experiencing this change. It was very selfish of him to take advantage of me, but I let him do it. I should have ended it a long time ago, but I felt like at least I had him wanting me. So sad to feel that way about someone who has been more selfish about it all along. Oh, he made sure that I climaxed, if I could participate, I made sure that I wouldn't fake it, because that is something else I won't do and of course I tried to get him off as well (sometimes even when I couldn't participate). Fitting because I forgot my brother's fn 40th birthday and I got fucked and "dumped" (quotes because it really wasn't a dumping, but then again it was a 3 year affair- even though it's only a girlfriend) in a rather selfish manner. I know it, he knows it, and now you know it. Damn, I worked the shit out of his cock! I'm still thinking about it, want to get off on it, and it reminds me that I'm mad about it. You fucking douchebag! Holy crap. For this, I am curling up and watching a Leave it to Beaver marathon with my newly arrived 1st season DVD.