And back again

This delay reminds me of what I used to do with my journals. I got to a point where only bad things were happening, so I stopped writing in my journal until good things happened and there were weeks and months between entries. Needlesstosay, what I thought was bad times were not really that bad as life will hand you more unpleasantness as we move forward. Most of my journal entries pre college were clearly about boys. That's probably why I stopped because boys are the bane of my existence. I recently stopped smoking cigarettes and in doing so, I have found a little more self confidence and a little more drive to be out in public. As it were, (almost) each public appearance I have made has brought me back to junior high feeling insecure, fat, and unattractive. I know it's all the same as Susie the fat girl's story from beyond, but I should be at a point in my adult life where this shit doesn't hurt me. Yet, it continuously hurts my feelings and makes me not want to leave my home. These occurrences, mind you, may have been all conjured up in my head, but for what it's worth, I'm not retarded, I know code words, hand gestures, and the change in someone's volume and or pitch while conversing and/or joking with their fellow fratdick. In the next few months, I will be making a major change in my life i.e. moving to LA. With my many body issues, I have been warned that LA may not be the best place for me to deal with my insecurities and my disdain for the people who are "on" all the time may be in full force, but this can not stop me. Again, I should be over all this shit and I should be able to embrace the gifts that I have been given. The problem being is the lack of knowledge I have to distinguish what exactly those gifts are and how to use them in a career advantageous way. For this reason, I am still where I am and knew I'd need a little more time to get myself closer to a place that I feel will help me move forward instead of thinking I could just get over it and move to LA right them when the opportunity hit. I am moving into a bit of doubt because I didn't take the chance right then, but people have spent money on reservations and banked on seeing me here in Chicago, so I stayed. Somedays I wish I had just gone cuz it's just dragging on and though I've made progress, I feel that the frat boys will continuously make chubby, unattractive girls feel so useless and unwanted that I may be wanted for murder before I get a chance to share my gifts.