Hope

Love is a many splendored gay thing. I love "LOVE", but have had little to no "butterflies" or "sweeping off my feet" until more recently. Girlfriend, here is not one for commitment with almost anything in a good while, but something good is a foot and here's hoping it will be positve, delightful, and delovely. Thanks for listening.

The Choice of My Heart

Why oh, fucking why do men rule my heart and waste my brain? They make me dizzy and the spinning is making me cry. (The man mentioned in the last post is the same as the one mentioned here. ) A phone call tonight from my long distance boyfriend (I wish) of 6, almost 7 years. He lives in DC and has only visited once (2006) and was violently allergic to my cat making the visit a wee bit uncomfortable. We met while I was stage managing a show in Richmond, Va and I cried very hard uncontrollably in front of him during our last encounter before moving to Chicago. I had apparently fallen in love with him. Drama was one thing I did not intend to bring to our table. He wanted me to be friends with benefits and that was cool, but it wasn't just a one night stand and it wasn't like I would go over to his place and leave when he was done with me (although my insecurity would lead me to believe just that). He cooked dinner and we watched some Seinfeld or Jeopardy and then do it. Or I would drive him to the train and we would hit it in the AMTRAK parking lot at 3am on a random Tues. In the dressing room (scandalous!) and on the way to a cast party (shocking). Graphically enough, the only man to ever work hard enough to make me cum without my help. He invoked a sexual demon that I can't quiet, but am forced to stifle to help with my self esteem. He also lit up my sweet spot for the brothers and I ain't talking about incest. I have spoken of this lad before and just two days ago, I was trying to let him go from my brain since my last trip east was once again lacking a hit of that and he was supposed to call me when he was free, but that was two weeks ago. Just as he had faded from my brain for the first time in 6 fucking years, he had to text tonight and I had to text back, and then he had to call. But for the record, we did not have phone sex and we never have. We talked about (mostly) his work and professional life in DC and the bs he has to deal with on a daily basis. In a previous post whether here or MySpace I mentioned that if he asked me to marry him I would and tonight after hearing that I am pursuing work to help the environment, he asked if I was going to marry Al Gore. He fumbled at first and all I heard was "...you...marry" I almost peed my pants. Fucker.

SO SHINES A GOOD PHONE CALL ON A WEARY MONDAY

On Thursday night I embark on my trip east for the Family gathering in Annapolis, MD. I'm half looking forward, partially nervous, and partially not looking forward to this trip. The good part is that I get to drive halfway across this great continent which is always a treat for me and I get to see my family that I haven't seen since last winter. The annoying part is having to see my family because there will be about 20 of us trying to fit in one medium sized house and that is no vacation considering I am driving 17 hrs to get to the place, but I am going to have a great time. It has been writing that this will be a great trip. In addition to the trip, I am looking to see an old friend that gives me great pleasure. He is someone that I think of daily. Daily. There are only a handful of people that I think of daily and he happens to be the most thought of man in my head. Unfortunately, he lives in DC and he is allergic to cats, my Chubbs in particular.

He called me at work today. Now mind you, only about 5 of my closest friends have my work number and only 2 of them call me, but to see that 202 prefix come across my display, I got just a wee bit excited even though I was not 100% that it was him calling. Delightfully, it was he and seemed just as excited to talk to me as I to him. Not only has my day been made, but quite possibly, my week, too. He is an incredible human being and I am touched and honored that he would take the time to contact me and to even mention checking his schedule to squeeze me in for a visit. If the world was ideal, and he asked me to marry him today, I would graciously accept even though I don't believe he would be faithful. Oh what a tangled, delightful, and notorious web we weave. Thank you, RC, for making my day that much brighter, for changing my life, and even more for being an amazingly wonderful man who thinks of me more often than I could have even dreamed.

First Time For Everything

Today was a day for a lovely walk to my delightful weekly voice lessons. Afterwards I took a walk in search of a telephone line adapter and instead of hopping into the car to CVS I decide to go to my local dollar store, but no such luck. Of course that didn't stop me from spending $8 on random kitchen and office supplies. Before going to the dollar store, I stopped in a market to use the ATM since the dollar store is a cash only establishment. I got a lemon flavored water and some gum to break the $20 and the owner guy was chatting with me and rubbed his upper chest asking if "This was ok?" and he had to repeat it 3 times before I just was like "It's ok", but still not understanding him. Upon leaving the store, I looked down to find my shirt wide open and my bra all showing. Ah, I see what "this" is now. Today was also a music day. I have less funds for entertainment these days and so the music and movie collection is on a 10 yr slow, but today I bought some music. David Bowie, Changes. Bob Marley & the Wailers Legend. The Very Best of Curtis Mayfield and Femi Kuti, Shoki, Shoki. I've been a stoner for over a decade now and today I bought my first Bob Marley album. Still don't own any Dead or Phish. I will more than likely stay this way, no offense to those guys, but I rather hang with the brothers than stinky whitey and his dreads. I did meet a delightful co-ownership (maybe dating, too) couple that runs the only non-latino record store within several miles. They kept a store cat that loves boxes much like Chubbs, mi gato. Their names were Lance and Liz and the record store is Permanent Records. Check them out!

Cubs Buddies

To go from being a Yankees fan almost by default, transplant to Chicago and become a White Sox fan, not a Cubs fan, baffles some and impresses others. In all of it, managing to keep both Cubs and Sox fans as friends has not been too difficult and thank you for it. On some occasions, the word "hate" will make its way from my face in front of "Cubs", but baseball is such a highlight in this often unbelievably retarded world. I was prithee to see Kurt Schilling pitch against the White Sox at US Cellular Field on the Southside of Chicago last eve and it didn't even matter that my Sox lost. Partly because they are pretty much just balls out sucking and partly because I was on a quasi date with an co-worker buddy's son and we went to the game. It was cute, but I think I have hangups about younger men. Mostly due to the overwhelming issue of self esteem I hold onto and just the observance of the fierce competition presented by the most whorish display of youth. i.e. I feel like an old fart. It is cool, but funny when my mother mentioned just the other day that I would do better with an older man. I agree, but it would be fun to play with a younger one for a little while. Maybe teach him a few things. We'll leave that open.

So initially this post was supposed to happen just over a month ago in response to another delightful evening with Cubs fans. It was a birthday gathering for an old friend's wife. It is nice to have the familiar with the relatively new life intertwined and the good thing about them is they don't carry any baggage. Even cooler is the pride that we have for our teams, but have no animosity towards each other or it is totally in jest. Both teams in the same city living on opposite ends of MLB.

Good Grief

Oh how time flies. Pardon the interruption. Things is good. Things is bad. Things are always growing and changing. Sometimes it is incredibly difficult to swallow. Speaking of, I haven't swallowed cum and enjoyed it in ages! That's a segway for the sake of segways. After pretty much shutting down for two years over the death of my best friend, I have finally returned to the social. The thing that has changed most is the lack of drinking situations I allow myself to encounter. Most people in this town are drinkers and unfortunately, I just am not and have been that way my whole life. I have completely accepted it, but it somehow enables peer pressure stronger than any other I ever experienced in grade school or otherwise. In college even when some nights I just didn't, it was asked once and not brought up again. When I go home to visit my mother (or any family member) that is just about the second thing she asks, "Can I gitcha a beeah?" (Long Island accent, not hillbilly). It almost breaks my heart to tell her, "No, thank you," and she is almost offended or doesn't believe that I don't drink on a regular basis like the rest of the clan. Honestly, if I didn't feel so self righteous sometimes around my family, I might visit them more often, but one must keep their egos in check. Not that I think I am great, for in fact, I learned to be self righteous from them. A word in edgewise was something I rarely granted and still to this day, of say an hour of phone time, I got about 4 blips interspersed throughout the convo. My sister is great, and granted she knows this already which makes her even cooler, but the girl gots some stories and she do talk a whole fucking lot. When any of my family members get drunk, I have no chance which may be one reason for the cannabis on my part. I could honestly droll on about the many reasons why alcohol should keep as a pain killer and the many shitstorms I have witnessed for the wear not to mention the lack of faith and trust in friends during the drunkest night of my life, but we will move forward.

Focus using alcohol as an over the counter med. Tax it more per shelf. In some ways I feel that way about pot and mushrooms as well. The natural aspect of medicating is provided in these devices. This is not a platform to preach, and I ain't no GD bible beatin' Christian. Far from. I realized I sent my dad two emails or FWs as per usual with pictures depicting drunks and the retarded things people do when inebriated, and note that this is a guy about to light a firework. This is the least graphic of the pic series. If you want more, let me know.
The other email entered in on family and culture.


The picture (that won't load for some reason) is Ireland after the most recent flooding or so that's what the caption indicated. It shows a bunch of Irishmen standing at an outside bar drinking with their pants pulled up in a foot of water. It didn't occur to me until tonight that these pics may have been offensive to my father. It was not intentional, but somehow they came one after another. He had no personal response, only more forwards that I have no time to read. He is such a good guy. It is really sad that it did not work out between he and my Mom. Oh, the unforch.

Lightbulbs

In the movie 61 (great film), there are many scenes with the shots of Yankee Stadium filled to the brim during those days and it just is amazing that there are still that many people if not millions more attending baseball games at the same time. People have got to slow down on having the babies. No wonder the Pope doesn't believe in birth control. Catholics must populate!! Populate like scary ass muthah fuckin' bunnies. I am amazed at the amount of children that people have and then decide to go out with them all at once, all the time. That would drive me fucking crazy. OMG. Totally amazing and patient. I walked home from the train tonight which is just over a mile and along the way is always interesting neighborhood activity and very diverse mixes of people most of which run with their own kind in packs or couples and the frequent drunk or beggar. It never ceases to amaze me the lackadaisical approach to parenting some cultures exercise when crossing the street. Call me overprotective, but when crossing the street with both parents, more than 3 in tow and all under 7, you might want to carry a couple, not drag them across the street slowly, letting them drop whatever is in their hands then everyone stopping in the GD street and not looking first to see if there was a car on its way before all stopping to watch the 1 yr old pick up whatever it is she dropped. Good run on. It popped another lightbulb in my head about my feelings on parenting and birthing my own kids. Adoption is the only option right now. Though I am not afraid of going to term with my own kids has nothing to do with fear of that, but understanding in the fact that millions of children are without parents now and who knows how fast that number will grow. I just wish people would stop to think of the consequences for having children and why can't your husband pull his dick out before he plants it? These are just some of the many questions I think about frequently. I don't like Western medicine and though I take BC, that is the only regular prescription med that I take and hope to keep it that way for a while. Just remember for some health care insurances Viagra is covered, but not birth control pills.