Lifted

From the decision made several months ago to stop a habit has grown forth a field of goodness. I had no idea that it would have this kind of effect on me and for it to be so tremendously positive. For the past 17 months I have been telling my stories (real stories of my life) to a woman who didn't know me from some other loony and she has helped me become a better person by believing in me. Above anything else, I needed a stranger to give me their honest, objective opinion about someone they will meet with, every other week, for the next year or two. She has been quite a helper. She hasn't made me do anything, she has just reinforced the feelings I had and helped me realize what I knew all along. So, in all this goo, I have found more confidence in myself. I haven't had this kind of confidence since my senior year in high school. Without sounding like an arrogant hooker, I have to say that most people I come into contact with find me a genuinely decent person. Granted, in the line of work I day job it in, I know I piss people off and sometimes it's almost unacceptable (the manner in which I piss them off), but it happens and I'm learning to be ok with that and yet, I am realizing how to still do a good job and handle the people that came to me at the wrong time. It's the main reason I could not work in the food industry. I don't hide it very well.

A few days ago I posted my first personal ad. I have answered a total of two and been denied both times so I decided that I'd post my own and turn things around. Well, I can't say for sure that I will find the man of my dreams this way, but it sure didn't hurt to have an extra large slice of ego boost courtesy of the post. I expected there to be a few more wacky dudes, but most of them were pretty genuine it seemed. A couple cock shots, and a couple that commented negatively on my annoyingly lost post. Those were deleted with no response. When I posted it I was sober and balls to the wall. If anything, I just needed to shout my best qualities out there so that I could get on with it and see what the men had to say about it. Pretty freaking positive. So positive I felt it necessary to pull my ad. I started to feel stressed out that I needed to respond to everyone so that I wouldn't be a bitch. I wanted the guys I rejected felt like I was being good to them and I tried to give a positive reason for the turn down. It's a bit uncomfortable. I don't care for that much attention because I honestly don't know how to handle it. I never have (please don't take this is as arrogant- if anything, self doubting until now). The whole idea of putting up a post, scanning the crowd to see and hear who may be a good match or interesting to chill with brings some new perspectives on life. The concept seems a bit like crabbing. Ever been in the Chesapeake Bay with your pants rolled up and throwing and pulling in crab pots and baskets? It's stinky, but it's pertinent to the story. Raw and uninhibited is something that I long to be, but still remain attached to some ever steady 50's mentality. It's an edge of normalcy on the brink of destruction. The more energetic and alive I become with the new lifestyle, the crazier I feel. The need to launch my teeth into something makes me feel almost like a vampire. The wave of desperation is so strong, but the denial makes it neutralize and still have that insane amount of energy that I didn't know existed within this 30 yr old mortal coil.

This overall feeling first happened back in March when I booked my flight to San Diego for $7.50. Never having been further west of the Mississippi than Illinois, I had only dreamt of the things I would not only fly over, but experience once I landed. It makes me cry a little to think of how happy I was those 4 days. When the plans were finalized there was this honestly organic orgasm that shot around my body for about 10 mins. Beats paying $30 for a pill of ecstasy. This buries the emotional distress my body goes through while watching award shows. Even if they are the lamest of the lame fucking award shows I am still crying and carrying on. I was in NYC recently and they had a rally for the Mets to go to the ALCS. I am walking with my mom and I just start crying. I think of how I felt with the Sox rally and then the ticker tape parade the city of Chicago gave them upon winning the World Series in 2005. 88 years it had been since their last win. So much emotion. You could feel pulse under the city for a good month. Even people that didn't really care about either the Cubs or the Sox were eager and excited to talk about the Southside Hitmen. Glory be the days for Chicago Southsiders post 2005 World Series title as Bridgeport will never be the same. Elevation. Everyone needs it and has their own way of reaching the level of intensity they wish to achieve. For the time after CA, I had to remind myself to go back to the place I felt there on that beautiful avocado farm. I bet it looks different now. The trees were pruned to promote more nutrient filled avocados. I now have new places to go and to draw from so that this nutrient filled new lifestyle can continue the bettering. word.