IT ALL MIXES IN YOUR STOMACH ANYWAY

Moral Calamity

2012-01-09T11:09:00.006-06:00

The last few (3 or so) years I have been on a board for a neighborhood community group. They have been in business since 1979. A month ago the president of the board stepped down and I was elected as the replacement. It is an organization that is about to go under (yay- with my name on it!). This organization is in the red and my full belief is that the Executive Director is the person to blame, but guess what, she stepped down on January 3 to pursue her degree to become a counselor. I believe in people and I certainly understand when we are met with challenges, but this organization has been tanking since she has been in the ED position and I am two steps away from filing a lawsuit claiming she should be responsible for the demise of the organization as she burned every bridge that was in place. Now, I have only been part of the organization for going on 4 years, but my impression has remained the same of this person - appearing at events for her publicity, little work, no creative vision, and relatively ignorant to keeping up with fundraising alternatives to grants. I found out last week how much we were paying her. Too much for her to do as little as she does/did. With this situation, my brain is really having a hard time with non-profits and charities. My brother-in-law (soon to be ex) has worked for the American Cancer Society and the Ocean Conservancy. He is an asshole. He's the guy that takes the investors and sponsors to play golf, go to titty bars, etc. He is the biggest douche-bag and when I found out that people like that work for organizations that are typically looked at as a bleeding heart org, or at least that's what I thought, I started really evaluating how I donate to those large charities/non-profits. I'm disgusted. I've never been so disgusted about what I looked at as operating for the greater good. I've always had a conservative view on the WIC, Welfare, Food Stamps, and Link programs and how people could use cash to pay for alcohol. Not that I have anything against alcohol (whole other discussion), but I would watch folks come in to the grocery store when I was a checker in college and would just be so disgusted that the kid would need a new jacket, but the parent would throw down $20, with her new manicure mind you, on alcohol and use WIC to get the food for the children. On some level I still believe in it because there are folks out there legitimately using the programs, but then you get a large portion just abusing the shit out of the government.

I am holding a steaming pile of poop with a $7,000 price tag on it for someone who was benefiting herself. One problem, it's just payroll taxes that we need to pay off, but it's difficult to raise money for that and even worse, inappropriate to apply for grants if that is all you are going to pay for. Another problem is, I'm the only one that thinks the ED was benefiting herself subsequently putting the organization in jeopardy. I have virtually no grounds to bring any lawsuit against her for being irresponsible, prejudice against Polish folk, and misappropriating funds as I feel the other board members will revolt because I'm a newbie. WTF do I know about the situation. I know what I know and I will say that of my skills intuition and judgement of character are two of my strongest.

One more thing. I have offered on several occasions to do fundraisers with conservation themed events. Why? Because those are the resources I bring to the table. When they asked me to be on the board, this is what I brought to the table. Repeatedly my ideas have been shot down, poo-pooed and skeptically listened to. They have missed 6 opportunities to raise money for the organization just in the past year. If you run a non-profit, wouldn't you want to be open to ANY and ALL legitimate opportunities for fundraising even if it's a small amount that may be raised?

To say the least, my New Year has not started with the greatest of situations. I am on blood pressure medicine at my age already, I don't need to die of a stroke because someone else' bills got transferred to my problem list.

Ozzie Guillen

2011-09-02T02:06:00.001-05:00

Ozzie Guillen, the present coach for the Chicago White Sox, crossed in front of my man's car in Wicker Park this evening. It was one of those things where I noticed him right away, but not for who he was, but what he was about to do. My honey, Chris, and I were driving west on North Ave, well trying to anyway, and we had to stop for traffic already, so we let a couple jaywalk across from the Chase (bank). There was a gentleman coming out of the Chase about 40 yards behind them and I was figuring since traffic was stopped he would attempt the same. Glad Chris is as much of a conscientious driver as I am and saw the man. He had some facial hair going on, but at a second look from 10 ft away it struck me like a wave of joy. It's Ozzie Guillen. I had so much to say. I wanted to talk to him about yesterday's game since I was at the game (8.31.11), but there was no time. I couldn't get my phone out fast enough to take a picture, so I decided to say something. The window was already down and I said, "Good to see you, sir. Love you, man." He smiled and thanked me. He smiled the whole time. I hope it was a true smile and not a "fan smile", you know, the one they have until you're out of sight? I sure handled myself better than I did with Harry Connick, Jr. Most embarrassing moment of my life. I don't love Ozzie as much as Harry, but equally respected. I love the Chicago White Sox. Thank you Brent Fox for introducing me to this team and helping me learn to love the game of baseball. Other Dawg! !!

Frank Deford did a spot on NPR recently about the longevity of baseball season. I have to say, with all due respect, I believe to each his own. I love a long season especially if the Sox are in it all the way to the World Series. Baseball is awesome.

(little tiny Ozzie in the left hand corner leaning at the fence in the dugout)

I shared a smile with Ozzie Guillen today. 'Thank you' was what I did not get out of my mouth before you hurriedly went east and we went west on North. You have a lovely smile, sir. Let's get these boys to the World Series again!! DOOOOOO iiiiiiiiittttt!!!!

Go Go White Sox!

-If anyone reading this can prove Ozzie Guillen was in Wicker Park last night (9.1.11 -the White Sox were off which helped fuel the 'it has to be him' situation) please let me know. I'd like to confirm my spastic reaction today.

Bert and Ernie

2011-08-22T15:58:00.004-05:00

Losing any loved one is heartbreaking and sometimes difficult to get over, but most overcome and move on positively. Each partner, kin, guardian should have a say in how to take care of their loved ones' personal effects. When the stage collapsed at the Indiana State Fair taking with it 5 victims, Indiana did not see the lawsuits coming, but now the 7th victim has been claimed and there's a twist. A bit ago, a Facebook group was calling for Sesame Street to have Bert & Ernie get married. In my whole life before understanding LGBT lifestyles, I never once suspected Bert and Ernie of being gay. Even after learning of some perceptions of the roommates, I still could not picture the two of them doing it or better still, the thought never crossed my mind until just now. I'll support the decision by the Sesame Street reps by saying they are friends - great friends that have lived together too long to complicate it, but they are Muppets and yes, we're in a Team America mindset, but I don't want to even think about it. The uproar of folks pushing to get these guys married makes me sad thinking that the state of Indiana does not recognize civil unions especially LGBT civil unions no matter if they are legal in other states. A lesbian couple, who married recently in Hawaii, has had to bear the pain of losing their partner because of the stage collapse. Losing your life partner is a horrible tragedy hetero or otherwise and Indiana better figure out something fast or this tragedy is going to present more traffic than any facebook page. Well, maybe not facebook's page itself. I hope Indiana does the right thing.

2011-08-02T15:27:00.005-05:00

Paul McCartney at Wrigley Field, Monday August 1, 2011.

I had reserved myself to the fact that I may never see a Beatle live in concert. That notion has been squashed and now I have no regret. John was always my favorite - always. I never really liked the "cute" one for early non-conformist reasons, but also I felt closer to Lennon even at age 12. I don't know that I would pass up a free ticket to see Ringo, but something tells me I won't have to make that decision. Love the George, too, but sadly, I'll just have to keep listening to the Concert for Bangladesh.

My buddy called me at work yesterday after we had not talked in over a month as we both have been busy. I thought she was just returning my call from Sunday, but little did we know that as we are talking, she receives an offer via text for 2 tickets to the show that night. Uhm..how can Yes come out of my mouth any faster? I abhore Wrigley as a clubhouse, but love baseball and for reasons of classic baseball, the field is just lovely and historic. I've now seen a few shows there, but they were not "great" because of the crowd. Last night was almost no different, but the concert meant more. Inevitably, I get to sit next to other "free" ticket recipients who clearly had no idea the legend they were witnessing as they talked through the whole first 1/2 of the show. Cell phone use and then just yelling over the concert. For fear of increasing their gab, I just plugged my ear with my middle finger hoping they would catch my passive aggressiveness, but after awhile a man behind them yelled, "Stop fucking talking!!". It was beautiful. Within 5 mins, they had left. A new couple sat down, two dudes, father and son, I'm guessing. This guy next to me proceeds to remove and replace his phone to and from his pocket literally every min or 2. Just leave the phone out you tard. I was just happy he didn't make a peep even though he almost poked my eye out twice for reaching in front of me to take a pic. What is wrong with people? Years ago, I had the pleasure of seeing a Dave Matthews/Tim Reynolds show at the Landmark Theater in Richmond, Virginia. Great venue. Great duo. Shitty crowd. This was one of those "recorded" shows and the crowd knew it, which made them more obnoxious about shouting throughout the show just to get their voice on the recording. I kind of get it when people talk during songs they don't know, but last night, the crowd was actually talking during "Blackbird". How the fuck do you talk through "Blackbird"?!!! Are you fucking serious? So thankful I've not been given the right to carry a concealed weapon as I would be blogging from jail today. Paul is a fantastic performer. He was really fantastic. His band is a'ight, but nothing phenomenal or anything. I was a little shocked they played "Helter Skelter", but aside from the lame camera work, it was awesome. Hearing "Blackbird", "Hey Jude", and "A Day in the Life" live made my year. Too bad Paul had to wear a white shirt that would not allow my camera to take any kind of pic of him. He looked like a bright, glowing, rocking ghost. The pic is during "Live and Let Die". The pyrotechnics were unbelievably controlled and good.

Rememberances

2011-07-28T10:46:00.003-05:00

9 years ago today, I lost my best friend to cervical cancer. I remember feeling so much guilt that I did not spend more quality time with her while she was sick. The worst part of it, she would call to hear about my stuff, not think about hers. I couldn't get passed hers. After she passed I befriended a woman who had recently been diagnosed with Hogdkins Lymphoma. She and I became fast friends as she realized, most of her "friends" had deserted knowing she was sick. She handled chemo well on her own, but we spent almost every day together laughing, mocking, acting a fool, and enjoying it. She was a trouper just like Jenn, but in this case instead of losing the friend to death, I lost it to good health and ego. I no longer speak to either of them. One for death and one for being a douche. Cancer is a funny thing. It hits people differently, but it now hits everyone. It's not a closet disease anymore where you don't talk about it. It's talked about a lot. The topic comes up more now than 9/11. Today is a day of celebration, not complaining, so let me kick that out. My lady was a delightful, smart, beautiful, loving, and a silly individual. As a mutual buddy said, "Jenn is getting heaven ready for us". Jenn was a brilliant stage manager. She will have it so ready, it will make Martha Stewart look like Bin Laden's decorator.

Love you Jenn! You are greatly missed and so fondly remembered!

Put Some Rice On It or Rather...

2011-07-26T16:03:00.003-05:00

Put your cell phone in the rice, wait, and hope. I thought he was kidding as the US Cellular rep says to me instead of willingly trying to get me to spend more money, "Did you put it in a bag of rice?" I understood the concept, but so strange when that was literally the 3rd thing he said to me and #1 was "Hello".

Note to self, always make sure your water bottle is completely closed before you put it in the purse. Duly noted.

This is the kind of shit that will make me laugh, but also put me over. Too bad I can't soak up my anger with rice. I'd lose some weight, too.

Support Our National Community, Por Favor

2011-07-16T12:55:00.004-05:00

Presently our country is undergoing an exhausting amount of 8th grade bs. Having said that, there are quite a few opportunities in life we are handed that allow us to contribute to our own better America. Some may think that immigrants don't belong, but others feel they are the foundation of America and how could we deny them the opportunity their ancestors were so fortunate to experience. For the past year or so, I have been a Board member of The Northwest Neighborhood Federation. We provide a helpful variety of community services that range from English classes to neighborhood safety. We thrive on local efforts, but in this economy, our resources are both coveted and thinning. NNF is celebrating 32 years of community service and would like to invite you to our annual fundraiser. Provided below is more information about the organization and its efforts.

Northwest Neighborhood Federation’s mission is to improve the quality of life of residents on Chicago’s Northwest Side. We do this by building powerful campaigns that involve large numbers of neighbors to identify problems, educate each other on the possibilities to resolve the most critical issues of common concern, residents and local leadership have become empowered and thereby assumed a greater role in the civic life of the neighborhood.

Current community campaigns:

Education: English as a Second Language (ESL) Classes for adult residents in the community. Education Committee focusing on relieving over-crowdedness in our local schools, which is a pressing issue for our community at this time.

-Immigration: Citizenship Workshops and Informational Sessions with Pro-Bono Immigration Attorneys are provided to Legal Permanent Residents. Personal appointments are available.

-Neighborhood Safety: Local area residents come together to form Community Block Clubs in order to create a better sense of community and find ways of keeping the neighborhood safe.

-Road Trips: Springfield to support the Dream Act. And to Washington, DC to support immigration.

Please help keep these services available by joining us for our annual fundraiser.

Fundraiser Info:

Wed July 20, 2011

6pm

Veranda Inn

5700 W. Irving Park Road

The cost is $25 per person.

And if you are unable to join us, but you would like to support NNF's services, please send donations by way of information below. Thank you and hope we see you on Wednesday!

Northwest Neighborhood Federation
People United for their Community

3249 N. Central Ave., Chicago, IL 60634
Phone 773-282-9807 Fax 773-282-082

Karate Kid Bus Buddy

2011-06-13T09:20:00.005-05:00

Ever ride the bus/train and see the same folks, but never speak? Yeah, here's one of those. When I first started taking this particular bus route, I noticed a gentleman that reminded me of Ralph Macchio. Now, granted, Ralph Macchio is much cuter, but still, the Italian I was riding the bus with gave an indication that he, too, was of the same culture, background, but not from Long Island, NY, necessarily like Macchio.

Every day I'd see this dude and every day I created more thoughts about his personality and you know, 'he kind of looks like he'd be a dick' kind of thing or 'He seems nice talking to that other bus rider'. Over the past 3 years or so, I have been observing his behavior without so much as a 'Howya doin?' from him or from me, but we would almost seemingly want to talk to each other. Well, today's the day. I get on the bus and avoid eye contact with the majority of the riders, as usual, I sit down next to no one and I look up to see a co-worker sitting next to the Ralph Macchio lookalike and he indicates they are neighbors. I indicate that we're kind of bus buddies and the RM lookin' dude smiled and agreed. Didn't get his name, but talked to both of them the whole 15 min bus ride. I so enjoy how our brains work in conjunction with the energy of the universe. I often wonder if folks on the other side of that energy feel the same way.

James of the Crazy

2011-05-10T11:26:00.004-05:00

Have you seen the commercial where John Jameson (of the Irish whiskey) goes to save a barrel of whiskey by jumping off the side of a boat? Here it is if you have managed to miss it. My mother is a Jameson drinker as is my stepfather and my dude. Alcoholism was "normal" during my childhood, but there's a diff between functional and belligerent. My folks never abused me verbally or physically, now and again though, they may have been incredibly drunk and drove me home, but I'm alive as are they. I have encountered more belligerence in the last year than I care to admit, but there is something about Jameson. A dear friend of mine in college used to have episodes due to him drinking vodka. I still wish I had been there to see the jumbo bag of Chex Mix get sprayed all over the room (I hope you don't mind me saying it here, I won't mention your name ;) Certain alcohols do things to people and that is the most uncomfortable thing. Generally, if a person acts retarded (not PC) or "weird", it is assumed they are on drugs. It's not always true. In fact, the more I continue on with my use of a certain smokable lifesaver, I wonder how many folks out there would rather take a hit and enjoy a Coke (Mexican, non-corn syrup of course) as opposed to having an alcoholic beverage. If it's laced, it's one thing, but generally, it just slows down the situation as opposed to creating an asshole. I don't judge, but when safety is a factor, then your messin' with my emotions. I have witnessed someone go from funny, sweet, and helpful to belligerent, mean, and fucking nuts. There is a shift in the eyes and you know, it's only downhill from there. A comment given to me on my birthday that rings throughout my head the past couple of days is dirty dishwater blond hair. Seriously? I have had this hair color for the majority of my life, sans a few years where I was frosting my hair. Yes, frosting. I admit, it was near translucent in some areas, but it worked for me and my bangs. Worst insult I have ever received and I fully believe that Jameson was the fuel behind it. I can't give too much detail here as I am constantly working through this situation with breathing, understanding, and forgiveness. I walk away when it gets rough, and this bastard has me hanging on because he is SOOOO much different and good when not drowning in Jameson which, I now believe has a chemical included that makes people want to die or at least express it at the height of drunk. It is something that scares me and I will continue to treat my drunk friends with respect, but until my mother visits again, Jameson will no longer be welcome in my home. Sorry to shut out my Irish liquor buddy, but go save an octopus somewhere else.

More OK By the Day

2011-03-06T20:28:00.005-06:00

For the past year or so I have been dating someone who protects his identity by paranoia. It's so OCD it's cute. Also, I have been a little superstitious about writing public descriptions of our journey together thus far. Both of us are no fans of how we look in pics, and it has been so long since I had this kind of love in my life that I don't want to jinx any of it. I always look forward to seeing him. These days are often tangled among moments of uncertainty and anguish for the political war we have on ourselves between the environment, war, religious views, and the constant struggle to keep life somewhat personal, not to mention the economy. It feels pretty cool to have someone to look forward to and for being able to shut out as much of the yucky junk g0ing on around us for continued adventures no matter how no immobile they may be.

I have been dating a manboy for a shade over a year. It has not been easy. There are so many things about him that make it challenging to find one word to describe him other than how my sister did- outrageous. I know that he means to shock, hear his own voice, and to be offensively funny. In most cases he means no harm. He is unbelievably sensitive, caring and snugly. He is intelligent. Adorable. Sweet eyes. Deep dimples. Great, strong arms. He's not techie or a gamer. A couple years younger which is why he gets the pass on some of the immaturity. He opens doors for me consistently. He is loud and can be obnoxious, but is very intelligent by a host of experiences from growing up here in Chicago. Blue collar family, but was in musicals and plays in high school. He works for a theatrical lighting company now (we didn't meet by way of theatre). Got kicked out of seminary school. He's atheist. I am agnostic. We get along and are a good match - similar, with some polar opposite mixed in. He allows me to see some behavior I have developed throughout my life and had not tapped into before. Some of it is not easy to deal with, but most possibility for positivity. We have the Sunday morning I've wanted for a long time. I enjoy my weekends again.

Cheers to the epiphany had yesterday. It made for a fantastic release of anxiety bottled up for sometime. Finally after the last 5 years of gaining experience and up to date knowledge, I have made an excellent breakthrough in my environmental work. Please check out what I did yesterday.

If you haven't checked it out - Leen On Conservation

Being Green Taken Further

2011-03-01T11:30:00.003-06:00

I may have been a slackass on this blog here, but I have been otherwise occupied with more physical activities including, but not limited to the wonderful worlds of sustainability and humanity. I have created another blog that will chronicle my continuous work in science and climate change education. If you have a minute, please check out my blog on conservation.

http://leenonconservation.blogspot.com/

Much love! I plan to write more on here and there, but new developments in my life do not allow me to be as cavalier with my words unfortunately. Alas, things are OK, just not as open as they used to be. Let there be more openness going forward, so that I do not have to keep my thoughts to myself. Much obliged.

New Blog

2010-11-06T15:54:00.003-05:00

Visit my new blog, too!

I'll continue to work out the words on Stomach again as well.

Comedy Shared by Pain

2010-10-04T12:56:00.004-05:00

Sharing comedy makes at least two people laugh. If for any moment you have an opportunity to laugh, take it. Squander it, if you will, to reach back into it later for more comfort when time permits unfortunate circumstances. My brother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Melanoma last week. If you know me, and know that I haven't blogged in almost a year, you know my friends and family have been hit pretty hard with that unfortunate slice of disease in almost all forms. In the last two weeks, I have seen/heard live comedy from Gilbert Gottfried and Louie CK. Highly offensive, yet hysterically funny gentlemen that speak in extreme contexts. I recommend people breaking up the pain with some comedy that makes your brain go there and then some and do this with someone with whom you can share. I was fortunate to share these comedy experiences with someone new in my life and find it comforting to know, he also enjoys the art of stand up comedy as much as I do. Release and relate (not sexual - although that's a good release, too ;-). I received the news of my brother yesterday from my mother who didn't want to tell me, but I explained that chances are, my brother wouldn't announce it to me anyway, so probably best that she share with me. Laugh more, if you can. I recommend it and I don't claim to be an expert in comedy or pain, but I do happen to have some extra baggage filled with both subjects that could be construed as more experience than some and in some cases more than anyone would want to bare. Laugh, I tell you, please laugh.

Takin' Its Toll a Little Late

2009-11-03T20:32:00.004-06:00

Since the release of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Opera, I have been a staunch non-conformist. I have never regretted my decision to dismiss that show no matter how much of a fan of that type of theatre I was and still tend to be. Today I was greeted with three CDs in the mailbox. (Thank you Amazon.com) All three were Maroon 5. I admit it. I'm late. As goes the usual. In 2003 I was prithee to my first DVD recording (got 2 under my belt now) in Milwaukee at the ever interesting Eagle's Ballroom. A good pal of mine was recording his DVD and had this obscure (at least to me) band opening for him for this DVD shoot. He, like always, encouraged me to hear the opening bands, but being the person that I was and in some ways still am, the type that wants to see what's going on backstage. I am a bummed that I didn't introduce myself to Adam Levine and the band when I had the chance. His voice has been haunting me for a few months and I finally broke down and because I still live in 1996, I bought 3 cheap CDs that, as I type this, have already paid for themselves. I can already say that the acoustic album is my favorite - and it has nothing to do with the Beatles "If I Fell" or "Highway to Hell" covers (the latter gets a giggle even though it was a good try). As for Phantom, I appreciate the music and certainly the original cast, but I still don't need to see it nor do I regret not seeing it. Thanks for reviving my need for new music Maroon 5. Have a great tour!

It Won't Be Soon Before Long
Songs About Jane
1.22.03 Acoustic

Racists at Best - Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh

2009-10-02T20:16:00.004-05:00

GLENN BECK AND RUSH LIMBAUGH CAN SUCK MY MOTHER FUCKING DICK!!! I hate you both. At the end of the fucking day, you both CAN and WILL go to fucking hell. The heavens will open and not a lightning bolt, but a nuclear bomb will seek you BOTH out and blow YOU BOTH the FUCK up. FUCK YOU for both dogging out Chicago not getting the Olympics. YOU BOTH FAT MOTHER FUCKERS SHOULD BE ASHAAAAAAAMMMMMED OF YOURSELVES FOR THE WORDS YOU USE AND SHARE!

YOU BOTH ARE MORE UNPATRIOTIC THAN THE ENTIRE KKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND QUITE FRANKLY, HITLER WAS AT LEAST A GIFTED ARTIST!!!! YOU BOTH SHOULD BE SHOT ON SITE. There is no excuse for both your sorry selves. Lest thou be reminded of the FREEDOM THAT YOU BOTH HAVE TO VOICE YOUR STUPID, FUCKED UP, HYPOCRITICAL OPINIONS AND MOST UNPATRIOTIC WORDS.

Again. SUCK MY MOTHER FUCKING DICK, YOU PIECES OF TURDS INFESTED BY RETARDED FUCKING MAGGOTS. I hope both of YOUR FUCKING mothers are DEAD so that they do not live in the SHAMED light of YOUR VOMITOUS, UNCONSCIONABLE, IRRESPONSIBLE AND UNFORGIVABLE BEINGS. EAT SHIT, DIE and then LET US ALL PISS IN YOUR MOUTHS- OOOPS you may like it. Well consider that your last meal. FUCKING FUCK NUTS.

STOP FUCKING TALKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's All Too Much

2009-06-25T20:53:00.001-05:00

The Beatles are my TuPac. I have not acquired all that is Beatles or derivatives of the genius. Back when my car was stolen all the CD's inside went with it so I had asked friends to share some of their collection that may or may not be something lost. My musically inclined good friend Sarah and her equally if not slightly more musically inclined fiancee gave me some gems including Yellow Submarine which is one of the only albums I had not acquired in my 20 years of adoration. Honestly, the yellow kept me away. Seriously. Not sure the reason even after years of encouragement, but it took me seeing LOVE in Vegas to really appreciate the songs I had not heard before or seldom and probably didn't know it was the Beatles. No offense to all else that happened in Vegas, but LOVE was the best thing about the trip. I've not been the same person since the trip. I am not sure if it is good or bad, but things have been more than just off since and because of the gravity and length of some of these things that have happened over the last 6 months or so and most within the same week of each other if not only a week or two apart, I'll just sum up the points good or bad- roughly in chronological order.

Nov 08 - sister diagnosed with breast cancer
Dec 08 - sister to have double mastectomy (pity she had great breasts)
ffw:
May 7 - My birthday - Vegas: Valley of Fire, Red Rock Canyon, LOVE (stellar day)
May 8 - in Vegas; Time share debacle = illness= missing poolside buddy hang time; made up with evening/early am buddy hang time - LOVE YOU!
May 9 - still in Vegas and no kind of heat make it any better; great concerts by DMB and Jason Mraz and some more buddy hang time.
May 10 - more heat. Same thing in most casinos. My travel buddy Laurie was awesome to put up with my complaints, idiosyncrasies, and dramatics. It was great to see some good and old buddies! Thanks Vegas.
May 14 - More car trouble almost made me cancel road trip to Richmond/Va Beach then Mom calls to announce she has breast cancer before I go on the trip after I've been contemplating not going
May 15 - Drive Chicago to Richmond, Va - Stay with awesome bro Matt and sis-in law Jennifer with their retarded children (they're not retarded- quite the opposite, in fact so much the opposite that I feel like a retard) Henry and Truman
May 16 - T- ball with bro and nephew Henry - so cute. Then almost late to friend Nancy's wedding- comical running around the church trying to find the door to enter. Reception was lovely - held at Bank. Met good buddies Melissa and Barry at the church and forgot about seeing Paul which made the reception and later evening just delightful.
May 17 - Hang with a few more friends and some family time.
May 18- Drive to Virginia Beach and relax for a few minutes
May 19 - Drs apps - Mom
May 20 - Drs app - Jim (my stepdad), Virginia Beach's first Trader Joe's with Mom, then local farm for veggies, dinner at Lynnhaven Fishouse, my now ex-sis- in law that hasn't seen my other sister Terry in 5 yrs shows up, then my sis and her 3 kids + 1 friend descend
May 21 - My other bro Mike in Va Beach's birthday and his eldest son, Taylor, gets kicked out of (correctional) school 3 weeks before graduating for smoking weed. (Mike just married his 2nd wife, Michelle, in early May- that's a whole other blog in itself).
May 22 - Hung out with some good old Va Beach buddies - Michael and me went to Chick's, then Kandis came over to hang, but didn't get to cover all bases.
May 23 - Birthday dinner celebration for Jim; All the kids and their kids and Jim's sis and her husband, and some other friends - on into the evening and find out my oldest nephew is such a hood that 15 cops raided my ex-sis-in-law's house because they were looking for graffiti tagging evidence. Holy schnikeys. (update - Nephew Taylor is in jail for 30 days for graffiti tagging with a magic marker)
May 24 - Drive Va Beach to Chicago with a 4 hour delay in Kentucky. Got to Kentucky to see Ken and Kathy around 10pm. So good to see them. We visited until about 2:30am and then I had just about 5 hours left to Chicago. Got home, unpacked (rental) car and went directly to Whole Foods to get groceries because I was unsure if I was going to have a functioning car after I dropped off the rental. Mem Day. Enterprise Car Rental is closed.
May 25 - veg.
May 26 - Return rental in morning. Worked all day. Go to mechanic after work to find out that nothing had been done with the car and come to find out the $1300 work needing to be done was covered under warranty after I spent $400+ on a rental car.

Amidst all of these situations, my boss got a promotion which brought me up without paid compensation. Today she tells me that I am not "available" enough and that my work right now does not merit the increase. Ah, good times. What greeted me when I got home today ? One of the barking fucking Cocker fucking Spaniels next door bit me. Love this country!

Consequently, my mother starts chemo next Wed.

The title of this post is in reference to the last track on Yellow Submarine.

Community Diving

2009-06-25T20:36:00.001-05:00

(Originally posted for 4.16.09)
Tonight was the area Block Club meeting and our discussion was about safety for the community around one of the neighborhood high schools. I was given the heavy task of chairing the meeting. It was ok. I've spoken in front of crowds before and somewhat on a whim, but this was a passionate and upset group of folks that wanted some answers from the principal and the local police districts. I've attended two meetings prior to this, and neither were in that space, had that many people attend, and it was to be held like a panel discussion. The most compelling piece was when a woman dressed in a very sensible pantsuit with a bag carrying a baseball bat, a broom handle, a thick steel metal pipe, a knife, and assortment of other smaller weapons that may have been used or were intended to be used by students passing by. She then pulled out a rock about the size of a softball and proceeded to demonstrate how the "group" would gather keeping watch on a certain car parked on the block and once that car was driving past the "group" then they would throw these rocks at the car. Compelling. There had been no hard evidence to be proven other than the calls that are actually made to the police, until now. The whole meeting now has pitted the principal of the problem school become very defensive and uncooperative. This post comes after several Chicago Public School children have been killed in drive bys and then preceded many that have been killed since.

Pivotal If Not Just Awesome

2009-03-12T20:14:00.002-05:00

Not to gloat, but I have a sweet arsenal of kick ass friends. Thank you Facebook. It is just a sheer treat to not only see these faces again, but to also understand how much they mean to me every day of my life without being in contact with them. Today alone brought a friend back into my life since losing touch 15 yrs ago. Along with the friend confirmation, I sent her a personal note expressing to her that now I was back in contact with two people that I have peed my pants with more than once. This story must be shared. Picture two 12 year old girls coming home after drama class laughing it up (I wish to the universe wtf we were laughing about) and we get almost to the front door of my house, but neither of us can make it as we are laughing so hard and now had to pee. We were both leaned up against my Mom's Mercury Stationwagon, she at the driver's door and I was near the front, with our legs crossed so tightly because we were still laughing and pee keeps creeping out which makes us laugh even harder and so on and so forth. It makes me laugh now and I have to go just thinking about it. If there was anything I miss more in my life right now is that intense laughter. I used to LMAO all the fn time when I was a kid and now I have to almost force the intense hilarity that my friends and I imagined and talked about openly. Laugh people. Right now we need laughter and it guarantees length to your life if done regularly and often. I won't mush out right here after reminiscing about peeing my pants on a regular basis and because we made a radio station up called Z10-FART. Two 12 yr old girls- Farty and Fartette. We had such a good time. Give it up!!! Whoop whoop!

In Response to the Previous Post and Such

2009-03-10T22:07:00.002-05:00

Thank you Blogger, for allowing me to yell at people instead of shooting them.

Fuck You Citibank

2009-03-10T13:09:00.001-05:00

Given the current state of everything, I, being a retard, thought I did the right thing by closing my account last April (2008) because the terms were changing. Given the option to opt out of the new terms of the first "bailout" increase in APR, I took it and was advised my APR would not change. And Fuck YOU Citibank again. Now because I am a dumb, clearly retarded individual, my monthly minimum payment is greater now than when I closed the account almost a year ago. What is fucking wrong with this fucking scenario? Oh, right, it's because I'm a poor, fucked, retard. Thanks and keep fucking peeps Citibank! Way to go DOUCHEBAGS of the Century!!!

RAIN It Is

2009-03-04T00:42:00.002-06:00

Tonight my friend Laurie (who is a Big Deal) and I enjoyed RAIN-A TRIBUTE TO THE BEATLES at the Auditorium Theatre. Tons of fun. I was excited, but so not sure what to expect. I only cried once, though, and it was when (the guy playing) Paul sang "Yesterday". That song has always been a strong emotional trigger for me because I think of my Godmother, Joan Hess who died of lung cancer in 1989. She was a delightful woman. "Paul" was the best sounding like the Beatle, but John was a little off and that was a little painful as he is my favorite of the Fab Four. "George" kicked some serious ass on the gueeetaaar. Harrison himself would have been proud of the shreddin' this guy did for the songs he was allowed to shred like "My Guitar Gently Weeps". That rocked. It was so fun to sit in a packed house with a mixture of people that have seen the real thing, would have loved to see them again, and people that could only dream to have seen them, so they go see a really good cover band at one of the best houses in Chicago. Musically it was great. The Auditorium rarely disappoints with its acoustics, specifically, but the guys themselves did a good job playing it the way you hear it on the album and yet remain artists in their own right while paying homage to the greatest band ever. Thanks RAIN!!!!

Diner of High Rep

2009-02-19T22:45:00.006-06:00

The Chicago Diner. I have been trying to get over to this place for some time now and on spur of the moment, we made it part of the evening. My lovely friend Kari and I went to The Peggy Notebaert Museum this evening for a The Economics of Global Warming with Paul Solman.

They served cheese and crackers with wine and Perrier for the reception. It was a packed house, it was free, insightful, alarming, and kind of weird. It's still more or less the same people that make their way to Peggy's events along with the subscribers/members. Always a smorgasbord of the nerdalertastic and not so. Tonight a woman just kept vocalizing her anti-government movement. The presenter kind of talked in circles, but had some good information and was cool enough. I'll remain a nice person and not go into the details about the size of someone's cranium (not the speaker). It was distractingly large. Going forward. So after the lecture, I asked Mr Solman, prefacing it by saying it might be more of a science question, but 'wouldn't squeezing or sucking out fossil fuels from the earth instigate plate tectonics?' and he couldn't totally answer the question, but went on to say that the Sichuan Province earthquake may be the result of the excavation for the dam being built.

So after a very stimulating evening, Kari proposes we go for some dinner at the Chicago Diner. I was delighted. Never been and again, have been meaning to go. Just a moment ago, I realized why I could not finish the meal and it was because I didn't expect dinner so I had chowed down a little on crackers and cheese so my stomach would resist growling during the presentation. That is why I had to take some to go. There will need to be a second visit when actually hungry. Good atmosphere and crew. Couple birthdays in the house. It's a cute place. They turn down the lights and sing "Happy Birthday" with one candle lit slice of cake.

I have such terrific ladies in my life. After dinner Kari drove me home to BFE which was so super and she paid for dinner AND she gave me a Trader Joe's gift card for watching she and her husband's super sweet dogs Chako and Shelby. Such terrific pooches.

I did not shovel my driveway this snow round and I hope I do not regret the decision to stay in bed this morning instead of getting up to shovel. I still love winter.

A Time To Rejoice

2009-01-18T22:01:00.003-06:00

Pride. Hope. Believe. If you believe and share the love, it will happen. We are on the threshold of one of the most amazing presidential administrations in history. I did not make it to DC for the celebration, but it was on purpose. To recreate the feelings I still tap into from Election Night in Grant Park would be too difficult to imagine. I did not cry that night, but I have cried every day since out of sheer joy and anticipation of the best kind of change. Celebrate. Love. Say it loud, say it proud, "Yes we can and Yes indeedie, we did".

Shovel Cherry

2008-12-06T15:02:00.006-06:00

I broke my shoveling snow cherry this morning and I feel like a new woman. Have I mentioned how much I love snow? If I lived in California, I could not have the "I just don't feel like dealing with the weather, so I'm staying in" excuse. Not too many climates I appreciate more than snowy ones. The only warm place (in U.S.) I'd try my best to cope with living there is New Orleans, but it costs just as much to live there as it does here because housing is not readily available unless you don't mind the state of the residence and/or you have the means to rehab the place. I wish I did. I just read an article in Interview Magazine about an artist that started from scratch and created an amazing art space right before Katrina hit and is still plugging to help rebuild her community one installation at a time. At times I feel a wee bit insignificant to have only the shoveling of snow on the agenda today. Well, and the plastic on the windows. The office sits on the second floor (renovated attic) of the home I rent here in Portage Park. It's a different kind of Chicago neighborhood, but I like the suburban feel in a city environment and it is very useful to live near people that take care of their property. Especially the snow. I got out there at 9am today and I have to say that even though I biffed the icy mix storm the other night and am still dealing with the ice blocks remaining, the salt I picked up yesterday (almost gone- thanks $7.99 jug of pet and plant friendly salt- yay capitalism) has kept the driveway relatively cleared.

Happy Mrazgiving

2008-11-27T01:15:00.000-06:00

No one has taught me more about being good to people, expressing gratitude, and being thankful than Jason Mraz. I draw so much inspiration, good advice, and a great example of humanity from this person and gush to talk to anyone who will listen about him (thanks Wayne). Obama has been making my body buzz and until then only Jason and John Lennon produce that feeling and most recently it had been fading. This is not a sexual buzz. This is a "I will follow you wherever you lead me to go" kind of buzz. But with the holidays approaching and the economy sucking harder every minute, I admit, I am a little depressed. So when Jason comes to town I try to make sure I don't lose my mind from THINKING about the sheer amount of questions I have about business, touring, friends, family, travels, pooping, kitties and randoms like lazer lights. He shares, he educates, he creates, he imagines, he is gracious, and he is cool. My buddy Jason was in Milwaukee at Eagle's Ballroom last Friday night and then he played the Aragon Ballroom in Chicago on Saturday. As luck would have it, I was able to attend both with backstage privileges. I brought three friends along for the Chicago show and Jason put us sidestage behind the sound board and Micah, the super sound guy. The first picture is of the stage while we were the only people on stage for about 30 mins with 5,000 people staring at us, or so I felt. Crazy. And the next picture is a little blurry, but I think you understand where we were.

In Milwaukee we got about 20 mins with Jason backstage, but in that time we shared some down time and he mentioned getting me sidestage passes in Chicago and I was not sure what that meant until I took that empty stage picture. No wing, no curtain and not even tall speakers. I have to admit, it was pretty fucking cool. It has me spoiled though and I'm fascinated by the lifestyle and the backstage perspective. Any chance to see the grid system or just the view is super. There's my inner stage manager for ya. It is a treat and a gift to be able to hang with old friends more often than not and actually watch them grow and perform (up close and not so). I've known Jason for 13 years or thereabouts. He rocks the variety ease. Steely Dan and then Rick James' "Mary Jane". He is just right. He covered a little Sinatra, a little Bennett, and did "Clockwatching" into "No Stopping Us" which was just delightful. Well done buddy. I am thankful for Mraz time however I can get it. I look forward to your Christmas album whenever you want to release that gem. Seriously. "O Holy Night". seriously.

Encouraged to Die Old Whilst Fucking

2008-11-14T09:54:00.005-06:00

Mexico's affair with life long fucking

Why would you encourage raise single mother rates? Doesn't your country already have population issues? How about you tell them to get over their old, soft dick and take up golf or Wii. And abortion and birth control are not acknowledged as legitimate in a Catholic lifestyle, but procreating just to have sex is beyond re-fucking-dick-ulousness! I like sex, I like sucking cock, but I'm not risking getting knocked up by some old dude just because his government believes his right to fuck into old agedom is the least they can do to help improve the quality of life. Fucking does improve the quality of life for everyone. Whatever. Who am I to stop the Mexican government from passing out "hard-dick" pills to those that can barely drive or read. Let them have children at 70 and leave the mothers to neglect their poor obese children. This goes along with the US benefits covering Viagra (lame example, but I don't care) for many years before even considering to cover birth control or even the government actually calling it maternity leave as opposed to a "leave of absense". I'm not bitter. I get laid enough for sure, but I don't want my next option to be a 73 year old immigrant who wants to get his rocks off and scrape more genes from the bottom of his dead sperm count.

Express It Tiny!

2008-11-10T11:43:00.003-06:00

Suck it paps. Glad to know sign language lessons are not being missed.

Good Grief

2008-11-07T18:58:00.002-06:00

Thank you for voting. And thank you for picking the right individual to guide us for the next 8 (or more if they allow for future presidents) years. You know he's my boyfriend and stuff, but Michelle and I are cool, so it's all good. ;) The City of Chicago felt the love on Wednesday and most of Thursday, but when the cold returned to Chicago, so did the douchery. I almost got run over 3 times, and I had the right of way all times, by a car full of African American Yankee fans and then an Asian woman tried to run me over from behind on her bicycle and yes, we were on the sidewalk. She didn't say one word and even hit my arm and said nothing. not a damn thing. At least the guy in the back of the first car that almost hit me seemed apologetic for his hurried driver. Nevertheless it does not give the cabbie the right to take a left when I have the crosswalk sign and almost kill me. He wanted to get out of the car, but thought better of it when he saw my gun that I carry. I wish sometimes. I don't own a gun, but apparently it is my right as an Amuurrrrican. Guns are for law enforcement officers. Anyhooooooo. What's more upsetting about these three occurrences today is they were all less than 1/2 a mile from the Hilton where Obama gave his first post election press conference. I had to get the Chubbs some food at Kriser's and I just stumbled upon all the police/security, tv satelite trucks, and two corners scattered with paparazzi. It occurred to me that I heard them say on the radio this morning that Obama would be at the Hilton. How neat. Later in the day I will learn that his office is in the building across the street from my office. Pretty...fucking...cool. Whatever that man asks of me as an American is top priority. Only now is politics an option, but only if they legalize it. GO Obama!

Vote, People, Vote!!!!!

2008-11-04T10:47:00.002-06:00

Say it loud - YES WE CAN!!!!!! Say it proud - YES WE CAN!!!!! Vote like a muthah fuckah- YES WE MUTHAH FUCKING CAN!!!!!! It is today that your vote counts more than it has ever in history! Vote and ye shall be the proud parent of voting for the person you want to run your country. If you know anything at all about politics, and if you have been prithee to a fire being lit up under yo' ass, then you know you voted right (unless of course you are racist, then I am not speaking to you). I voted early and proudly. While reading a highly liberal magazine, I learned about how voting Democratic has been hard in previous elections because of unscrupulous tactics used by the Republican party to disenfranchise democratic voters. Democrats may have participated in some goofy junk, too, but never to the level as the Republicans. My one regret this election is not living in Virginia to carry another vote for Obama. I pray that Virginia chooses the black guy! I pray that Florida gets their shit together and make their votes count instead of losing them to the system. I pray that Sarah Palin never makes it to the White House and I pray that Obama becomes the first and one of many great African Americans to reside in the White House. Here's to Obama! You heard me right, people, I'm praying for Barack Obama's win today! Keep those Republicans honest!!! Go Obama!!!!

Just Laying Around

2008-10-23T20:14:00.003-05:00

So, what's the deal with the winnings for tipping off a crime? The reward money. Where does that money come from? How is it that you could win $100,000 being in the wrong place at the wrong time? Magic. Ridiculous. Why hasn't anyone started a company invested in putting people in the absolute worst positions to not only rip off the government, but to load up for not doing a f'n' thing (insert any company, federal institute, entertainment job, etc). Is this "reward" money just laying around in a petty cash box or tip jar? It just seems that money kind of comes out of nowhere for witnesses of crimes. I'm sure it's tax dollars, but how do they gage how many people they will need to pay for the possible lies they will tell or not as they case may be. bah. Don't try to explain it to me, I really don't want to know.

"Tom, I'd like for you to pal around with this guy Lenny, who has a history of mental illness and we believe is planning to mail letters with baking soda, used in place of a toxic substance of course, to over 50 banks. We are of the assumption that he is somewhere in Texas. Good luck."

You are a winner!

Please Please Me Beatles IPod

2008-10-22T10:08:00.003-05:00

For some of you know that I was the unfortunate victim of car thievary this past week end. It was a loss that I was able to accept and walk away from until less than 24 hours later I realized what I had left in the car: about 80% of my music collection including my ENTIRE Beatles collection. For the past 20 years, I have had a tiny love affair with the Beatles, specifically John Lennon. When I realized the loss, my heart slid down my esophagus and out of my feet towards the front door. I gathered it back up and explained that things can be replaced and to stop believing that rich people get the breaks because they can easily replace a 20 year collection of music (well, except those wicked 90's imports from Japan - Farwell Harry Connick, Jr.'s "Greatest Hits"). Here is a plead for someone to purchase the limited edition Beatles IPod and graciously give it to me. PLEASE!!! Pretty Please Please Me with the box set that I would gladly burn on my own since I have iTunes on my computer, but have never bought or downloaded music courtesy of Apple. If only you would. If only YOU, random generous, amazing, and wonderful individual could be so helpful and loving to gladly purchase the iPod for a wonderfully dedicated Beatles fan and terrific individual. The sheer joy and appreciation YOU could receive from me just by sacrificing less than a grand on little ol' me is up to you. Are you out there, kind, wonderful friend of the Beatles with money to spare, it's me, Kathleen, the one that will promise you a friendship of mountains and possibly a payment plan to get that cash back to you if you really want me to pay for it. There are only 2500! so please pick it up fast and your Karma will be good for life! Much obliged.

The New Petroleum

2008-10-18T14:46:00.002-05:00

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the world disclosure of the New Petroleum. It's called corn syrup. Just Google the two things together with no semi-colon, etc. and you'll find quite a few articles and blogs give examples of why the two are deadly in excess and are causing our country to fall apart. Greed helps and it led to both of these problems. Plastic can be used in place of everything non-edible and corn syrup can be added to damn near anything edible to make it taste "better" or sweet. Roughly two years ago I was overcome with a most annoying rash and not one doctor could figure out its root. Over the next two years on my own I would discover yeast and corn syrup to be the main culprits of the reactions, but I still question some of the wheat gluten products that may or may not list them. I've moved my diet to mostly organic foods now and I am trying desperately to not overeat and/or waste this expensive ass food. Gas is something I only get once a month as I take the train and bus to and from work and other times when parking gives me an ulcer. It just goes to show you that it is always a struggle for the lower incomed folks. If I didn't have a car payment, I'd be a little all right, but I also shouldn't have the debt I do and yet I still will put myself in the hole for a trip to the grocery store. Having to bring my lunch to work is difficult because I am lazy and I get bored easily. The days get harder to swallow when all you want to do is eat a juicy delicious hamburger at UFoodGrille, but you is overdrawn in yo' checkin' account and yo' ass only gots $2 in yo' pockit. And you know this, man.

Roller Derby Yeehah!

2008-09-28T20:44:00.006-05:00

The legs right at the hip joint are more sore than I remember them ever being even after playing tennis and doing suicides, etc. The knees are trippin' out, too, which is expected, sad to say. Not too bad, but kind of funny that today's pain came just about two hours after we stopped instead of gracefully reminding me tomorrow morning while I attempt to get out of bed. The last time that happened was when I participated in a three day intensive stage combat workshop in '05. I was positive my legs were gonna collapse on the way to the train after only the first day. The burning. JC. Today is not even close to that pain because our health and leg muscles are pretty ok. Just chubby. Conventional gyms are not what I look for in a workout.

My buddy JP and three other skater/punk chicks picked me up and we drove what seemed like ever out to Lombard (a 'burb of Chicago) to the roller rink since Chicago doesn't have any rinks. Sad. The group that hosted tonight's open skate were the Derby Lite team. Super group of gals. It's a commitment, but it's also way fun and different. I'm gonna do it. I bought some damn skates. I also got a lot of encouragement and the pain I feel now is something that will certainly go away with continued efforts and perseverance. And the fact that I bought the daggone skates!!! Wha??? Well, as the 15 year old skates that I was driving started to liquefy and drop shrapnel on the rink endangering everyone, we figured while we were there might as well get some new parts. It turned into buying skates. I cannot express the sheer joy I felt skating again. It was absolutely delightful. I was good, too. It felt so good to put on those skates and find a little confidence I used to have when it was three times a week to the rink in junior high and high school. Great day. Tomorrow I may feel like the 'floor of a taxi cab', but it will have been very worth the continued grunting.

Cancer Breast Poop

2008-09-23T16:48:00.008-05:00

About a month ago I had the pleasure of greeting a new doctor with my legs spread. i.e. This is the 5th doctor in my series of doctors since I graduated college that I've met for the first time on my annual pap visit. HELLO \_/!!!! That sad symbol looks nothing like my vagina. Oh, my bad, I meant to say vajayjay. What-ev. Well, during this visit I was a little stressed about the move, having fallen off the smoking wagon for a few weeks (I'm clean again for good), and just the current situation of our world in general. My doc found a lump. Great. The next day, when my mom was to be in town, she was able to go with me to the hospital to get a mammogram and ultrasound. Good fun! I have to tell you, I was pretty calm for what could await me in the viewing room. I've never sat in a room half nekked, waiting for what felt like an eternity for a stranger to tell me I could leave the room. That was awkward and somewhat alarming, but I just chalked it up to routine. I was given clear instructions that my doctor was the only one that could read the results to me. Turns out my doctor was on vacation. I didn't even bother. I waited until after the Labor Day holiday, but before I could question anything, I received a form letter that explained all is clear and that I should get a regular mammogram when I turn 40. Wow. A form letter? I take the good news. Last week, my mother informs me (after she repeatedly asks if I am sitting down) that my sister has breast cancer. Folks, it is the most amazing thing to be cleared of any health disasters, but it does a disservice to our health when our loved ones are touched with scary illnesses especially a highly ironic diagnosis. My sister has some serious treatment coming her way as it is an aggressive strain of breast cancer, but her doctor is of Johns Hopkins and with the advancement of technology these days, I feel she will have the best chance at recovery and lifelong remission. This is optimism. The level of stress in her life, again, I believe, directly results in this heinous infection in her body. Folks, smoke weed, don't marry the hot navy guy until you know he gives a shit about real things, and when you have kids teach them how not to be selfish, superficial, and how to pick up after themselves. It goes beyond that fo' sho', but in my near numb reaction to my own sister's predicament, I am reminded of just how vulnerable we are and for life to turn on us is just a shame.

I consider myself a veteran of cancer interactions: My Godmother died of lung cancer in 1989, my best friend died of cervical cancer at 25 in 2002, a once good friend had Hodgkins twice, a very dear friend had a lump removed from her breast, we're not sure what my mom's mother and/or sister lost their lives from (but we think it may have been Cancer), and let's not count how many of my friends' parents/family members that have and are dealing with cancer (if not the lasting effects of post treatment). Eat organic, breathe, and be grateful for the life you have right now, please.

Home Internet Eludes Me

2008-09-22T14:20:00.003-05:00

As the Comcast stiffs, vacates, lies, steals, and tinkers with our lives and our ability to keep abreast of the technoligical world's constant battle, I haven't blogged in two months. Like there is anyone reading this that really cares, but I do. Just to complain about them for another few more minutes to keep you up to speed as to why I still don't have home internet service. Prior to moving at the end of Aug, I had called Comcast to set up a time slot for transfer of service. Three weeks. They had no appointments for 3 weeks. Oh, ok. I can kind of understand the situation for it to the "busiest" moving weekend of the year (?). They were informative to tell me to bring all of my equipment with my move, so that it can be hooked up at the new place and no charges will be added. Ok, so I had a family emergency last week and had to cancel my appt for Sat 9.13, but there was no chance for getting a tech out for the once offered 4-7pm slot during the week. Comcast had no other options even as I asked if there were any 4-7pm appts for Oct and the rep informed me that there were no appts for that time slot available. Why were we still talking about it? Why did she mention the option? I dunno, so instead of having to take yet another day off from my 9-5 job, I am forced to give up another Sat for them to decide whenever they want during some kind of window. I bet you that I could have easily just hooked the damn junk up myself with some basic information considering the prior tenants had the same setup. Comcast could save money if they took advantage of their "smart" users. They could have saved a day of wages for one tech, not to mention his gas and mileage. Am I retarded for wanting to save Comcast time, money, and energy? When will Comcast add an option on their auto attendant that allows their triple play customers to alert them that all three services are down without having to talk to three different representatives? When will Comcast get better customer service and stop treating their smart users like retards? Anyone? Anyone?

Step Away From the Magazines

2008-07-16T01:33:00.002-05:00

Recovering chronic People mag buyer. I couldn't subscribe because that would just prove my weakness, so I just kept buying it at newsstand cost. Tard. Upon moving to Chicago, with our new credit card, I got swindled into buying $500 in magazine subscriptions (Rolling Stone, Interview, ESPN, Entertainment Weekly, Reader's Digest, Good Housekeeping{?!!}, Vanity Fair, DETAILS and a sundry of others related to initial credit card purchase and not). Never again. The "mag" company just took their monthly subscription cost out of the cc account. The obsession of checking the balance of money related accounts hadn't been routine as they are today. I will check the same account sometimes three times just to see if anything else has cleared, so at the end of the day I can sleep knowing there is a positive balance in the bank. A friend of mine recently revealed her choice to rarely speak of money and how much she makes or discuss anyone's financial situation. I am however the complete opposite and it did not used to be that way, but when it is the root of evil (the love of it) and the key to my happiness, seriously, I just can't stop thinking about it. Would never marry for it because that can makes things worse. I would rather be left with $10 at the end of the paycheck than with the idea of uncomfortably large monthly payments because it did not get paid last month so-we's-got-to-double-up-this-month type of thing. It is an ebb and flow. I don't keep a check book and that is one key to my retardation. I've tried, lord knows I have tried, but numbers make me anxious and I tend to run from having to use them, even though I am actually quite good in math and have been since childhood. Nerd-a-lert. Conditioned reflex to run from because my 7th grade, "Superior Math" class teacher, Ms. Durham, was such a freak. She had the driest sense of humor and it made me drift. With the most deadpan of delivery, she shared this joke, "My plant is having babies, and you can't watch." Truly not my type of classroom environment, but most educational for the spirit and comical in retrospect. Never again would I like math.

One of the many projects I must undertake in the next few weeks is letting go of magazines. F'n magazines. I have piles of f'n magazines and the task is daunting. Hording is definitely something I fear and I'm seeing a good basis here with the accumulation of magazines. Particularly because I don't read them right away and think miraculously I will make time to read all of them. I used to, but I read so much at work that I get annoyed when I have to do it off the clock. Whatever. These piles won't whittle down themselves and yet I keep finding magazines that have Russell Crowe involved which looks like a major issue. Put the magazines in the recycle bin. Put the mag-a-zine in...the...recycle...bin...

Do, but Don't

2008-06-08T13:43:00.003-05:00

Here I am swimming in a city of creativity and douchery. There is so much that I gather from this city, but somehow I am constantly searching for the real reason of a near decade old move. This is a beautiful city and while I believe this is my place to be right now, the constant fear of inadequacy is supported by the phone calls with Mom. How am I ever going to get done what I need done when I am still living under the beliefs and guilt of my mother? I have never been a "momma" or "daddy's" girl for the record, and yet I am still finding it hard to drop everything and go out to do what I think is my calling. What is stopping me? Fear? The OCD? The crowds? The failure? The constant unknown? The desire to have a mortgage, but don't want to wait another two decades or more to get there. I want a yard and a dog.

Happy Birthday Mom! ;P

Free Ride

2008-06-03T00:52:00.005-05:00

It has been a decade at least since I was in a musical. Upon graduation from college I already had a job working for a children's theatre touring company, but there was no music. As I auditioned for more grown up stuff, I realized I was never prepared enough. In college, I got by and landed some pretty stellar roles, but these days, my half assin' techniques will get me nowhere. I have been taking voice lessons for about a year. Progress has been made and my coach also sends out pertinent auditioning info which I am cashing in on. It was a free musical theatre workshop set up by the Actor's Equity for all actors -non and equity alike. It was extremely informative and it also helped to solidify the knowledge I walked away with from college. Most things are still generally the same sans the colored headshot. There was a panel of distinguished guests and various contributors to the Chicago stage along with 5 randomly picked auditioners. Networking eludes me and so name dropping is useless here as names are in one ear and out the other and no program was received. It has always been the process that pushed me away from performing. Haha. So so sad. Now I understand it was more ADD and low self esteem that lead me away from challenges. Memorizing lines is not my thing, but give me a song and dance and I am practicing all the time. I want to get back into the scene; I miss singing and dancing.

CC AC part 2

2008-06-01T19:19:00.002-05:00

So tonight I remembered to get my Comcast email set up, but the chat wait is 21! The online wait is just as retarded as the call center. If you don't have Comcast, don't get it. Get something else. It's not worth the hassle if you ever need assistance. Worst service ever and even when they try to help, they still do not help you as much as you need them to do so. They point vaguely in the direction you need to go, but never can answer all your questions. Well done AC. Still suckin'.

Recycling, Good Words, Getting Through

2008-05-26T14:46:00.000-05:00

Recently a massive company gave away thousands of free vacuum sealers. "What a crazy campaign!" I thought, but was glad to stand in line for two seconds and not have to fill out anything to receive not one, but TWO of these vacuum sealers. I don't cook that much to really need it and I have an issue about plastics these days (I'm learning to pick my battles), but it might help me work more with leftovers. Regardless, of the free aspect of it, today I took the vacuum thingy out of the package for a closer look and to my dismay, there is not one indicator on the package for recycling or how much of it is post consumer plastic content, etc. My theory for the massive giveaway is there was a massive goof in not having the packaging recyclable or "green" as the kids call it these days. I used to call it "hippie" or "new agey", but these days it's becoming my lifestyle. Maybe it is a win-win giveaway for the company, but I do hope they get on board with less plastic as it is a mauling and killing our environment as well as our offspring.

This past week end was host to a super duper event, Pilcrow Lit Fest, and it was smashing. The attendees and participants were a groovy mix of very cool peeps and their super friends and fans. I was obliged to volunteer at a few of the panels and learned excellent tips and stories of experience from these wonderfully creative writers, authors, publishers, bloggers, and they are all supporters and believers in the true and honest delivery of independent print. This festival has certainly inspired me to not only get back on the regular writing trip, but to get cracking on the comedy release. Well done Pilcrow folks. Cheers to next year and many more!

This has been a week of mental breakdowns and heightened self consciousness which is just obnoxious, but when the time comes and the day of bloodshed is upon us, one sometimes is unable to leave her apartment. I've also become so spazed out in my thirties that I haven't been able to watch movies all the way through. I made myself watch Ratatouille which was delightful. Patton Oswalt has always been a funny performer and he fit very well with the rest of the cast. Distraction. Then I caught most of Breakfast At Tiffany's which I had never seen. It made it more difficult leaving my apartment even though I had more or less planned to be away from it for a stretch of time both weekend days, but got a couple passes on Sunday for commitment stuff so I've been veggin' the last two days. Been somewhat productive, but it seems that they are just daily/weekly chores that pile up. When I have children, they will learn to pick up after themselves and after their mommy. Isn't that why people have children?

On Friday last I joined my friend and her fiancee at Whole Foods for a quick (not) trip to pick up some munchies for the evening. It ended up taking almost an hour. Wow. I hardly take that time when I'm shopping for two weeks of stockage. Whatever. I guess it boils down to how I feel about myself physically and add stonage and you have a highly self conscious individual. For some crazy reason I felt people looking at me strange or with pity as I did not arrive at Whole Foods at the the top of my vain game. We got almost out of the store and got caught up at the deli. They took for-fucking-ever to pick out what they wanted for the three of us to eat. I became more and more uncomfortable as I stood there in agony when all of a sudden "Who Let the Dogs Out" came over the loudspeaker considerably louder than the music that had been playing a moment before. I looked around to see more people looking in my general direction and smiling, but not in a friendly way, more so in a Nelson "haha" way. I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life. One day I won't give a shit, but until then, I shall keep dancin' along in the aisles to those songs that may or may not be dedicated to me at the grocery store.

In life I am looking for a job that incorporates environmental activism, happiness without prescription meds, and sex that involves love without depending on my pointer and index fingers.

Recycling and Pilcrow

2008-05-19T18:40:00.002-05:00

Practicing what I preach has been a goal for sometime and though right now I am cutting some corners to save some water, the practice has become a mission and sometimes a blessing. A dear friend is hosting the literary festival Pilcrow and asked me to supply the environmental consulting. At first I thought it just meant fashioning recycling receptacles and it does, but it also means I will handle all of the recycling without help from "corporate" and/or "city" help. It must remain true to the local guys. I picked up a pallet of wood from a local landscaping business, Lake Street Landscape Supply to break apart and fashion some recycling receptacles so that they could be reused, easy to transport, and not plastic. As I realized no matter how much I loved using power tools and could hold my own, I had no idea how to blue print not only the cutting, but then the hinges. What became the most daunting task was that my one good connection with power tools moved. Plan D was to put an add in Craigs to see if someone would loan me their power tools for the afternoon or to ask for help on how to work the construction. My original idea was to acquire cheaply and/or borrow a few walkers with wheels. I think I insulted the companies I inquired with as no one responded. So sad. The initial plan was to ask local recycling resources for assistance in a pick up, but all asked for money by donation or otherwise and I totally understand. I couldn't give them numbers because I wouldn't know the exact situation for this first time venture for the recycling job and the festival itself. As a last ditch before purchasing lame plastic receptacles from Target, I went to the Salvation Army to see if they had ANYTHING suitable for what I was in need and voila! right there under the table in the middle of clothes and purses galore were these five tray tables waiting for me. A little pricier than I expected, but wouldn't you know, they were tagged with a 'made in burma' sticker. I thought, 'what a weird coincidence' because it had only been a day or two since the typhoon, but then I thought, 'are they trying to make more $ off these because of Burma?' Who knows. Whatever, so I got my recycling receptacles, but who knows how well they will work. We know that over 80 participants are ready to be on panels and I couldn't tell you how many fans will attend, so this is quite adventurous for all involved.

Yesterday I attended the Green Festival here in Chicago. 2nd year running and once again, IT WAS FABULOUS!!!! I love, love, love LOVE it that people want to save our planet. I just wish the old farts would take heed and listen to the not-only-grassroots-hippie-environmental-folks, but listen to the land and our health. They are both screaming for a change. I ain't just talking Obama, but I will shout his name from the mountain tops with pride for this country if we correctly put him in the White House.

Come out to Pilcrow! Support your local publishers, your local shops, your local farmers, your local everything! And if you publish anything, maybe think about using these guys.

Only 75 more to go...

2008-05-15T21:25:00.005-05:00

As if I wasn't already reminded of how seemingly unmarriable I am, I must don another fucking bridesmaid dress. I am the "sister" of the groom yet again, and yet again I am made to buy a red dress that will make me look like a fucking house. YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!! It is so lame to be so negative about it, but I don't have money to buy a dress for someone I almost don't like, but because she had to go and marry one of my best friends, I am forced to be gracious and accept the cost along with the distant annoyance. I will refrain from going into full details as it is possible to hurt her feelings and I am really doing all of it for the groom. Fucking dick. I owe him nothing and yet I feel this unending need to do things for him even though he treated me with such repeated disrespect. This is the time to let it go and yet, I grow more annoyed because the bride has picked David's Bridal for the dresses and there is no David's Bridal in Chicago. It's in a 'burb and hour away. Come ON! If I weren't so damn self conscious, my wedding would all be in the nude.

For the record and a little history of my wedding involvements:
Flower girl
Altar server twice (that's right a progressive Catholic church- I didn't even have to wear a white robe and I carried the cross!)
Bridesmaid - 5 xs 6 in October
Maid of Honor
Reader
Emcee of reception
Weed provider for bride

~was supposed to be in three others and backed out of two and wasn't involved in the third because it stayed with just immediate family and I have two more on the horizon, but they will probably elope to avoid the hassle of it all. I respect them all the way. Spending that much money on one day sends me to space. Recently I was invited to a wedding with 650 guests. I.I...I..I..honestly had no idea how to digest considering the guest list AND racistly enough I expected the table of black folk I was meeting to stand out for me or for me to stand out to them, but no luck with 650 colors of the rainbow. No alcohol. I was thankful to not drink because I would have been housed in the middle of the burbs and making cracks about the grooms Aladdin suit. Traditional garb for his country sure, but ignorant white girl's fodder. Complete with the elf shoes. I almost peed my pants. Soooooo glad there was no alcohol. The brides dress was covered in multi-colored beads or jewels. Still, the sheer weight of it must have been just unnecessary. I am unable to justify the necessity, but that makes me a different type of woman. For me, it is about my man and me. I appreciate the idea of sharing with your friends and family, and I'm all about ceremony and tradition, but not all brides need a carnival to join with the love of her life.

Apparently I'm Retarded

2008-04-29T23:51:00.004-05:00

How is it that in an "oil crisis", our only option is to drill Virginia and Alaska? How is it that the so called "stimulus" packages are only now being looked at as insignificant and frankly, another wasting of tax payer money? I'm at a loss here. Being a reformed Republican once I removed my self from the Hollywood image of Reagan, I have now become an honest bleeding heart (without the full throttle of wanted to feed ALL the poor). Sunday I began my detox from aluminum based deodorants and not only do I stink, but the more I think about why I'm doing it makes me sweat harder. Last Thursday I attended a seminar on healthy skin care products hosted by my favorite and only apothecary, Merz (and online at smallflower.com) . I once attended a similar seminar hosted by the same with Burt's Bees as the presenter (not so much of fan of Burt's since it's corporate buyout by Clorox). I tried to detox right after that, but fell ill with each passing whiff of myself, so I bailed on the task. The more I changed to natural products, the more resistant I became about changing deodorants because I naturally sweat harder than any woman I know even with the strongest of agents (Secret). Product packaging along with the ingredients of those products tend to move towards the plastic which clearly is an oil based product and just recently more talk of toxicity coming from those plastics makes me just as queasy as that first college hangover. And speaking as a city employee, the government has an awful lot of audacity to think that our lives can not survive without oil. It is absolute lunacy that we haven't addressed the FDA's "guidelines" and "laws". Plastic kills where glass only cuts or maims. Marijuana is a gift and so is the sun. We spend so much time on shit that doesn't work when these two NATURAL mother fucking resources have not been tapped into for helping offset environmental issues, health issues, and energy issues. The sun is a ball of flame just sitting there asking for us to use her and her hotness while we just sit and bathe in her toxicity using creams that contain harmful and deadly agents of wrath. The marijuana plant or hemp or pot or smokey smoke can help offset the reduction of trees, cotton, beauty products, cancer meds and pain, not to mention the amount of money the government could make off the shit and its distribution. I may not agree with all that the Democrats have given us since being the majority, but Fuck this administration for sucking the dicks of oil companies here and overseas. It is monumentally embarrassing that there is no removing of the oil in sight and we will all die because of it which just makes it difficult to get up and go to work every day. Boo hiss. Wah.

As the Horn Blows

2008-04-16T15:26:00.003-05:00

I am woman. I am a fiesty woman. I am a chill woman. I am a woman who can handle any catastrophe that you throw my way, but if you question my knowledge one more time, I will fucking punch you in the face and rip your sac off! What is it with people not taking my ideas or believing me when I tell them the problem is real? Things have not been going well recently and I am just trying to get through the day without killing myself and those who piss me off near my personal space. Once again my car is getting fixed. More specifically, the horn of my car is being "fixed". Whether they really fix it this time or not is what concerns me the most. The horn, connected to the airbag (how convenient!!) goes off on its own, but there is virtually no way in this day and technology age to document the "mysterious" horn blowing. This issue has been going on for a year and the mechanic may be closer to believing the situation today.

We shall see. According to this forum, sounds like I am SOL!!!!!

CC AC

2008-04-03T11:43:00.002-05:00

Comcast Assclowns. I realize lots of people have complained about the assclownery that goes on with Comcast Customer Service and I'm adding one more. Not days before I decided to put all my services on one bill with Comcast did a friend of mine rant on and on about how fucking retarded Comcast's customer service is and how he would be canceling his service to deal with another provider. I just chalked it up to my buddy having some anger management issues and customer service ineptitude until I actually had to make calls regarding a minor adjustment to my Comcast service. If you have all three services (internet, cable, and phone) there is not an "all in one" number to push on their menu, so you have to talk to each department seperately to figure out any issue you may have with your service. Nor do the other departments have a screen that indicates you just calling the other departments, so you are constantly repeating yourself. It's obominable. Waste ma time, muthah fuckah and I put a cap in yo' ass. Oh, if only violence made things better. For now, I must blog into the no-0ne-reads-my-shit oblivion.

Babbling and Vomiting

2008-02-15T19:39:00.007-06:00

The Hippocratic Oath. Do no harm. (I am pro-choice mind you) How do some of these doctors sleep at night? The job is not to stop the issue, it is to present a cure or at the very least, to figure out the best answer and most help without raping us. Don't just stop it, fix it without suppressing. It's such a twisted issue. Have you seen the commercials for the Partnership for a Drug Free America? It's not about your brains on drugs anymore, it's about your teenage kid taking the pills for adult pain, nausea, heartburn, anxiety, blood pressure, craziness, et al. Is prescription drug abuse worse than taking Glade hits. Mind you, I've never taken a Glade hit, but I was entertained by a few incidences that were and still are hilarious. Retarded dangerous, but after the Virginia Tech shootings last year and the more recent NIU shootings, I am thankful I was able to stumble around campus wasted and completely "protected" by my college's arms. Though sad, I am more pissed off that they fucked it up for their fellow students. Forget about fear of rape at night, now you have to fear taking a class in an auditorium, eating lunch in the huge ass dining hall. I realize the digression here, but shit needs to be put into perspective. We need more attention at home. Our elderly, not to mention those not so, are being raped by pharmaceutical companies without a thought. It's not about Medicare, it's about drug prices. It all goes back to education. Education is by FAR the most important thing we need to have for everyone. Free and most excellent. It isn't hard and not nearly as costly as people would expect. If I believed in carrying a gun, I'd shoot the old bible beatin' geezers down myself, but I don't believe in carrying a weapon because I don't want that responsibility. Johnny Dickhead that cut me off a block ago will get my wrath instead of say, oh, the biggest chode of chodes sitting on top of us for the next 339 days. And either is not something that will keep me out of jail, but both might award me a medal of courage. Guns belong to a few. A handful outside of law enforcement and that includes, but not limited to the little Asian lady that owns the Jiffy Mart next to the ghetto. We have to stop hurting our own people. I hope it starts to happen before the end of this heinous term. Life is precious.

My heart goes out to all affected by these horrific shootings. And almost specifically to the shooter's father. I can only assume he is beside himself. I know I would be.

CBS

2008-02-04T20:34:00.000-06:00

Cock Blowing Station? Since when did CBS get hip? In less than two hours, 5 references to weed, unlimited allusions to the male package and/or Viagra, and constant discussions of sex and masturbation have continuously made my jaw drop. CBS???!!!!! What about Ray? And Murder She Wrote? I used to think the station was the Christian Broadcast Station. Who knew I'd get all hot and bothered?

Well, how I got there is via Bravo, via Actor's Studio with Julia Louis-Dreyfuss. It occurred to me today that she is one of my favorite female comedians. I don't have too many, in fact, maybe two or three. Carol Bernette. huh. Just those two come to mind. Well, kudos to Julia, she gets to be in a relationship with Blair Underwood on the The New Adventures of Old Christine. Good lord that man is beautiful. He makes a show worth watching. Maybe CBS should be BCBS.
You know what I'm talking about.

The Battery That Never Was

2008-01-28T10:31:00.000-06:00

So about a week or so ago, I had a fire in my kitchen. A weeeee scary for those of you never having experienced such a close call with flamage. I was curious to know why my smoke detector did not go off and it was indeed because there was no battery in the smoke detector.

Never assume your landlord has taken precautions. Just know they aren't thinking about you nearly as much as they are thinking of themselves.

Test and change your smoke detector batteries regularly. They can save your life.

DENSE AS TAPIOCA

2008-01-10T19:12:00.000-06:00

Some may call it dense. I call it, well dense, I guess. Just had a couple realizations today that make growth worth living through entirely. (major DOH!s) Suicide is so completely understandable. Life is a series of hits and misses. (And I ain't talking about the old clothing store.) It's a new year. Some stayed the same and some hath groweth for the mo' bettereth. Good and bad come and go with that fucking tide, so we might as well try to make the best of it while we still have some passion for life. Sucka dick. Do it in the Amtrak parking lot. Know it's ok to force your co-worker to spoon you. It is totally fine. Keep reminding yourself.

Go sing a medley.

Spoonage

2008-01-01T20:00:00.000-06:00

Spooning in the new year was pretty sweet. The underestimated power of the spoon. After having your erection bearing into my jeans as you tug on the belt loops grinding me closer, you won't even kiss me. You almost yell, "No turn back around." What is that all about? I'm good enough on the phone or from behind, but not attractive enough for a make out session? Now I know for sure that a good portion of this reaction could have SOMEthing to do with my low self esteem. You should see some of my diary entries as a little girl- always "loving" some dude or many dudes. Some were consistent over the years, but not one of them ever knew the extent of my affection because I never believed I was pretty enough for them. So here I am again in quandary over actions I have performed and things I have said, good and bad. And to his credit, he struggles with self sustained issues as well. Though for spending 24 hrs with the same person and not doing it, he did not get on my nerves nor did I lose my horny patience.

Bottom line was that I got the spoon that I asked for and it was for a decent amount of time AND I got a little boob feel up, too, which was an added bonus. Felt a little like a school girl, but it wasn't exactly the way I envisioned the potential-turned-bailed-seduction attempt. We were supposed to go all the way, but I left a nice fury wall up. hahaha It was good to just have some heavy petting. hahaha And I guess at the very least, you did say I have potential and having heard it before, I think I get it now. I like things that I can spoon; yogurt, peanut butter, cream cheese, cerealThus begins my 2008 New Year's resolution ~ To work on my potential in all capacities.

You Better Put Some Water On That Damn Shit

2007-12-13T00:01:00.000-06:00

After returning home from a mini road trip to Indiana this eve, I was looking forward to a good ol' bowl of Kashi and some Trader Joe's gluten free granola topped off with some organic oat milk. The reminder did not kick in about having less than a 1/4 cup of the milk, so I had to put some water on it. I've never done that before. I usually would opt out of the cereal, but I forged ahead tonight because I wanted that bowl of cereal. The experience is not unlike what I did tonight. Up until yesterday I thought I was seeing someone. As I was hanging out with the dude and his friend tonight and the whole night his friend kept asking me for my number right in front of (who I thought was) MY dude. When the dude and I were leaving I finally spoke up and told him that I liked him and was wondering what the fuck was up and he shot me down because we are co-workers (so he says). A friend from college asked me one time how a dude could hang out with me as much as he did and not be madly in love with me. Who fucking knows? So what did I do with my fire, I had to put some water on that damn shit.

YOU GOT SOME NICE FAT KNEES

2007-11-07T09:40:00.000-06:00

It is rare that I wear a skirt, let alone a short skirt, but I wore a skort (skirt over shorts) with black tights and tall black wedge boots the other day and received more compliments than I can remember ever receiving for one outfit. Having trouble with compliments almost grounded me to my desk, but I had so much running around to do that I couldn't avoid the comments. Most were complimentary no matter the hard time they gave me, but others were not vocal , more like, "How/Why is she wearing that?!". One man in particular caught my fancy as I was going to get lunch. A beggar of sorts just about screams at me, "Damn Guuurrrrrl, you got some nice fat knees!!" Indeed I do, sir. Indeed I do. Thanks.

GASH OF THE WRISTS

2007-10-28T18:51:00.001-05:00

Blood ran from her wrists as though she had three hearts pumping in her chest. Amazing she didn't die from the impact or the initial loss of blood cells and platelets. It happened so many times before she couldn't even count how many had made some scar on her being. Happens every fucking time. The blood pooled around her left foot and she started to make circles with the liquid until organically it turned into figure 8s and that got her thinking of the future. Though her wrists bled so hard her veins were twitching, she was able to pick herself up and get to the phone to call all of the trespassers. The trespassers and violators. Her hearts hurt as each number was pushed on the telephone. Whose phone you ask? Who knows and she did not care after the evening she had and the night had only just begun. The location of where she had been left was unknown and last on her mind as she kept dialing those numbers of the ones who hurt, abused, and took advantage of her so many times before this night of everlasting destruction. Blood spewed from her veins as she squealed and hissed into the phones of those that knew the guilt of the jobs they did on her and her body. The liquids. the liquids

Of course some numbers had changed and she continued to yell at the sorry unknowing soul on the other end. Most of those listened because she was crazed and articulate. Blood began to spew from her mouth as she neared the end of her list and the figure 8s turned into streaks of strength removing itself from her legs and torso. Her head was heavy enough to clamp the receiver with her shoulder. Her right hand never left the keypad, she duct taped it to the base so the slippery blood would not keep her from dialing. This was the time for all to be said and done. Her hearts were broken. She had no more to give except a instruction on life, participation, and humanity. She regrets not being a lesbian since those men never respected her like any of her female friends, straight or gay, but then again, she gave up the women that stole men from her and she picked up woman who value friendship and love. She misses them already, but not for long as the pigment moves from her face and the receiver drops from her shoulder to the floor with an incredible display of destruction. She forgets what her last thought was and passes out only to come crashing to the floor stabbing her eye with a sharp edge of the broken receiver. Her head throbbed for a few seconds until she realized it was time to let go. It was time to just let go. Gotta go. So let go.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

Hope

2007-10-25T10:59:00.000-05:00

Love is a many splendored gay thing. I love "LOVE", but have had little to no "butterflies" or "sweeping off my feet" until more recently. Girlfriend, here is not one for commitment with almost anything in a good while, but something good is a foot and here's hoping it will be positve, delightful, and delovely. Thanks for listening.

The Choice of My Heart

2007-10-12T21:52:00.000-05:00

Why oh, fucking why do men rule my heart and waste my brain? They make me dizzy and the spinning is making me cry. (The man mentioned in the last post is the same as the one mentioned here. ) A phone call tonight from my long distance boyfriend (I wish) of 6, almost 7 years. He lives in DC and has only visited once (2006) and was violently allergic to my cat making the visit a wee bit uncomfortable. We met while I was stage managing a show in Richmond, Va and I cried very hard uncontrollably in front of him during our last encounter before moving to Chicago. I had apparently fallen in love with him. Drama was one thing I did not intend to bring to our table. He wanted me to be friends with benefits and that was cool, but it wasn't just a one night stand and it wasn't like I would go over to his place and leave when he was done with me (although my insecurity would lead me to believe just that). He cooked dinner and we watched some Seinfeld or Jeopardy and then do it. Or I would drive him to the train and we would hit it in the AMTRAK parking lot at 3am on a random Tues. In the dressing room (scandalous!) and on the way to a cast party (shocking). Graphically enough, the only man to ever work hard enough to make me cum without my help. He invoked a sexual demon that I can't quiet, but am forced to stifle to help with my self esteem. He also lit up my sweet spot for the brothers and I ain't talking about incest. I have spoken of this lad before and just two days ago, I was trying to let him go from my brain since my last trip east was once again lacking a hit of that and he was supposed to call me when he was free, but that was two weeks ago. Just as he had faded from my brain for the first time in 6 fucking years, he had to text tonight and I had to text back, and then he had to call. But for the record, we did not have phone sex and we never have. We talked about (mostly) his work and professional life in DC and the bs he has to deal with on a daily basis. In a previous post whether here or MySpace I mentioned that if he asked me to marry him I would and tonight after hearing that I am pursuing work to help the environment, he asked if I was going to marry Al Gore. He fumbled at first and all I heard was "...you...marry" I almost peed my pants. Fucker.

SO SHINES A GOOD PHONE CALL ON A WEARY MONDAY

2007-09-24T12:38:00.000-05:00

On Thursday night I embark on my trip east for the Family gathering in Annapolis, MD. I'm half looking forward, partially nervous, and partially not looking forward to this trip. The good part is that I get to drive halfway across this great continent which is always a treat for me and I get to see my family that I haven't seen since last winter. The annoying part is having to see my family because there will be about 20 of us trying to fit in one medium sized house and that is no vacation considering I am driving 17 hrs to get to the place, but I am going to have a great time. It has been writing that this will be a great trip. In addition to the trip, I am looking to see an old friend that gives me great pleasure. He is someone that I think of daily. Daily. There are only a handful of people that I think of daily and he happens to be the most thought of man in my head. Unfortunately, he lives in DC and he is allergic to cats, my Chubbs in particular.

He called me at work today. Now mind you, only about 5 of my closest friends have my work number and only 2 of them call me, but to see that 202 prefix come across my display, I got just a wee bit excited even though I was not 100% that it was him calling. Delightfully, it was he and seemed just as excited to talk to me as I to him. Not only has my day been made, but quite possibly, my week, too. He is an incredible human being and I am touched and honored that he would take the time to contact me and to even mention checking his schedule to squeeze me in for a visit. If the world was ideal, and he asked me to marry him today, I would graciously accept even though I don't believe he would be faithful. Oh what a tangled, delightful, and notorious web we weave. Thank you, RC, for making my day that much brighter, for changing my life, and even more for being an amazingly wonderful man who thinks of me more often than I could have even dreamed.

First Time For Everything

2007-09-02T17:10:00.001-05:00

Today was a day for a lovely walk to my delightful weekly voice lessons. Afterwards I took a walk in search of a telephone line adapter and instead of hopping into the car to CVS I decide to go to my local dollar store, but no such luck. Of course that didn't stop me from spending $8 on random kitchen and office supplies. Before going to the dollar store, I stopped in a market to use the ATM since the dollar store is a cash only establishment. I got a lemon flavored water and some gum to break the $20 and the owner guy was chatting with me and rubbed his upper chest asking if "This was ok?" and he had to repeat it 3 times before I just was like "It's ok", but still not understanding him. Upon leaving the store, I looked down to find my shirt wide open and my bra all showing. Ah, I see what "this" is now. Today was also a music day. I have less funds for entertainment these days and so the music and movie collection is on a 10 yr slow, but today I bought some music. David Bowie, Changes. Bob Marley & the Wailers Legend. The Very Best of Curtis Mayfield and Femi Kuti, Shoki, Shoki. I've been a stoner for over a decade now and today I bought my first Bob Marley album. Still don't own any Dead or Phish. I will more than likely stay this way, no offense to those guys, but I rather hang with the brothers than stinky whitey and his dreads. I did meet a delightful co-ownership (maybe dating, too) couple that runs the only non-latino record store within several miles. They kept a store cat that loves boxes much like Chubbs, mi gato. Their names were Lance and Liz and the record store is Permanent Records. Check them out!

Cubs Buddies

2007-08-26T09:32:00.000-05:00

To go from being a Yankees fan almost by default, transplant to Chicago and become a White Sox fan, not a Cubs fan, baffles some and impresses others. In all of it, managing to keep both Cubs and Sox fans as friends has not been too difficult and thank you for it. On some occasions, the word "hate" will make its way from my face in front of "Cubs", but baseball is such a highlight in this often unbelievably retarded world. I was prithee to see Kurt Schilling pitch against the White Sox at US Cellular Field on the Southside of Chicago last eve and it didn't even matter that my Sox lost. Partly because they are pretty much just balls out sucking and partly because I was on a quasi date with an co-worker buddy's son and we went to the game. It was cute, but I think I have hangups about younger men. Mostly due to the overwhelming issue of self esteem I hold onto and just the observance of the fierce competition presented by the most whorish display of youth. i.e. I feel like an old fart. It is cool, but funny when my mother mentioned just the other day that I would do better with an older man. I agree, but it would be fun to play with a younger one for a little while. Maybe teach him a few things. We'll leave that open.

So initially this post was supposed to happen just over a month ago in response to another delightful evening with Cubs fans. It was a birthday gathering for an old friend's wife. It is nice to have the familiar with the relatively new life intertwined and the good thing about them is they don't carry any baggage. Even cooler is the pride that we have for our teams, but have no animosity towards each other or it is totally in jest. Both teams in the same city living on opposite ends of MLB.

Good Grief

2007-08-15T22:10:00.000-05:00

Oh how time flies. Pardon the interruption. Things is good. Things is bad. Things are always growing and changing. Sometimes it is incredibly difficult to swallow. Speaking of, I haven't swallowed cum and enjoyed it in ages! That's a segway for the sake of segways. After pretty much shutting down for two years over the death of my best friend, I have finally returned to the social. The thing that has changed most is the lack of drinking situations I allow myself to encounter. Most people in this town are drinkers and unfortunately, I just am not and have been that way my whole life. I have completely accepted it, but it somehow enables peer pressure stronger than any other I ever experienced in grade school or otherwise. In college even when some nights I just didn't, it was asked once and not brought up again. When I go home to visit my mother (or any family member) that is just about the second thing she asks, "Can I gitcha a beeah?" (Long Island accent, not hillbilly). It almost breaks my heart to tell her, "No, thank you," and she is almost offended or doesn't believe that I don't drink on a regular basis like the rest of the clan. Honestly, if I didn't feel so self righteous sometimes around my family, I might visit them more often, but one must keep their egos in check. Not that I think I am great, for in fact, I learned to be self righteous from them. A word in edgewise was something I rarely granted and still to this day, of say an hour of phone time, I got about 4 blips interspersed throughout the convo. My sister is great, and granted she knows this already which makes her even cooler, but the girl gots some stories and she do talk a whole fucking lot. When any of my family members get drunk, I have no chance which may be one reason for the cannabis on my part. I could honestly droll on about the many reasons why alcohol should keep as a pain killer and the many shitstorms I have witnessed for the wear not to mention the lack of faith and trust in friends during the drunkest night of my life, but we will move forward.

Focus using alcohol as an over the counter med. Tax it more per shelf. In some ways I feel that way about pot and mushrooms as well. The natural aspect of medicating is provided in these devices. This is not a platform to preach, and I ain't no GD bible beatin' Christian. Far from. I realized I sent my dad two emails or FWs as per usual with pictures depicting drunks and the retarded things people do when inebriated, and note that this is a guy about to light a firework. This is the least graphic of the pic series. If you want more, let me know.
The other email entered in on family and culture.

The picture (that won't load for some reason) is Ireland after the most recent flooding or so that's what the caption indicated. It shows a bunch of Irishmen standing at an outside bar drinking with their pants pulled up in a foot of water. It didn't occur to me until tonight that these pics may have been offensive to my father. It was not intentional, but somehow they came one after another. He had no personal response, only more forwards that I have no time to read. He is such a good guy. It is really sad that it did not work out between he and my Mom. Oh, the unforch.

Lightbulbs

2007-07-19T18:47:00.000-05:00

In the movie 61 (great film), there are many scenes with the shots of Yankee Stadium filled to the brim during those days and it just is amazing that there are still that many people if not millions more attending baseball games at the same time. People have got to slow down on having the babies. No wonder the Pope doesn't believe in birth control. Catholics must populate!! Populate like scary ass muthah fuckin' bunnies. I am amazed at the amount of children that people have and then decide to go out with them all at once, all the time. That would drive me fucking crazy. OMG. Totally amazing and patient. I walked home from the train tonight which is just over a mile and along the way is always interesting neighborhood activity and very diverse mixes of people most of which run with their own kind in packs or couples and the frequent drunk or beggar. It never ceases to amaze me the lackadaisical approach to parenting some cultures exercise when crossing the street. Call me overprotective, but when crossing the street with both parents, more than 3 in tow and all under 7, you might want to carry a couple, not drag them across the street slowly, letting them drop whatever is in their hands then everyone stopping in the GD street and not looking first to see if there was a car on its way before all stopping to watch the 1 yr old pick up whatever it is she dropped. Good run on. It popped another lightbulb in my head about my feelings on parenting and birthing my own kids. Adoption is the only option right now. Though I am not afraid of going to term with my own kids has nothing to do with fear of that, but understanding in the fact that millions of children are without parents now and who knows how fast that number will grow. I just wish people would stop to think of the consequences for having children and why can't your husband pull his dick out before he plants it? These are just some of the many questions I think about frequently. I don't like Western medicine and though I take BC, that is the only regular prescription med that I take and hope to keep it that way for a while. Just remember for some health care insurances Viagra is covered, but not birth control pills.

Annoyance, Retribution, and a Smack in da Face

2007-06-25T21:10:00.000-05:00

After an ok day at work, I thought a small load of laundry would be enough to get me through to the week end. Now mind you, part of the beauty of living in this wonderful apt is the fact that laundry is included. I can use the facilities without quarters and provided none of the other tenants are using them (1 washer, 1 dryer). As long as I don't have to worry about lugging my shit out of the apt and/or having to have quarters or any kind of $$$, I am otay. Well, about 6 months ago our landlord bought a new high efficiency machine because the previous one blew up with over and improper use by my famously loud stepping neighbors. Good job, Hooker. Well, today I go to use the washer and there is still water in there and knowing that isn't right, but thought that it just didn't drain properly so I turn it on and the property manager hears me (she lives on the floor above the basement) and yells down to me that it is broken. I ask her if she's serious as I am coming up the stairs and she says, "Yeah, that fucking bitch upstairs crams the thing full." OMG. I almost hugged her had she not just been in her bra and skirt. She's a precious woman, don't get me wrong. The loud ass neighbor upstairs and her boyfriend seem to do their laundry all in one load. Now, granted this girl is tiny and could probably fit all her thongs, bras, and anything else in her wardrobe in one load, but she tries to add her oaf of a boyfriend's stuff, too and done broke the damn new washer. So I had a lovely temper tantrum which wouldn't have happened if someone was just using the thing, but having the whole thing down inconveniences the whole building. I was cussing at her from my apartment again and I rarely do that anymore, but it felt good up until I could feel it become negative and not adrenaline. So I cool off and talk to a good buddy and focus attention on more positive things. After we get off the phone I decide to go to Sunflower after all because I have no food for lunch and it is just cheaper to not buy my lunch every day. On my way out to the car I made an effort to take the shoes for Goodwill/ Salvation Army and the 2 yr old Tidy Cat containers that I had been hoping to recycle as plant potters and put them in the car. Well in doing so, I locked my keys in my trunk. Boo. I don't have a spare. State Farm doesn't call the business for you and then they might reimburse you after the service is rendered if they want to reimburse you. So I called AAA and reinstated my membership which is a terrific service. Dynamic service. I shall wait for them to rescue my keys from the trunk. Karma does remind you to keep yourself in check. If someone offers you joy, enjoy it, don't exploit it.

If They Had Any Fucking Brains

2007-06-08T19:33:00.000-05:00

they would not incarcerate these people. A dime bag for fuck's sack. Aside from the whole fucking Paris Hilton thing, you have this bullshit that should never have happened. Why are we still prosecuting people that are harmless? WTF? Why do I feel the need to not only kick random ass, but to roll fatties and light 'em up in public? Rebellion never hit me in college. It's hitting me now.

Education is our only hope. Education on everything. If we don't educate ourselves on everything when it is presented to us, we miss so much. Especially education about drugs and alcohol consumption. Drugs are a problem, but marijuana is a not one of those drugs, it is a resource. A resource not only for health and recreation, but for material that comes in so many different forms including, but not limited to food, clothing and paper. Pot may be a gateway drug, but if you educate yourself and your children on drugs, they will be able to see the difference between crack and pot. Educate. Pot is less of a problem than alcohol consumption in my hippie opinion. You don't have to smoke it. You can eat it, too. It can make the finest cookies you have ever tasted and that's before the effects even kick in.

Still Present

2007-06-05T00:41:00.000-05:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/huff-wires/20070531/slavery-apology/

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/world/story/0,,2083762,00.html

Aren't there laws against inbreeding? And people with a dime bag are continuously going to jail? But Betty Sue and Leroy Macadung can have as many retarded children as they can squeeze out and beat as they want? Did not the Civil Rights Movement happen decades ago? I like rhetorical questions in blogs. Has anyone informed Old Man Whitey that he is on his way to extinction? That soon he and his sister/wife will be minorities and their children will have to keep up the family's mental incapacity only to get killed by crafty minorities? Sometimes I just don't like white people. Namely those that tend to live in the South. Hence my migration to the Midwest. No offense to my friends that still find themselves in the South or in some cases purposely moved further South because they like it or something.

What's even crazier is that I went to college in this town.

and in many cases, I prefer the chocolate mens to the ivory.

In an somewhat related story, a comedian acquaintance (worked with him at Chuggers in Richmond, VA with 9:55 Club) has made his mark on Fox News. He likes himself a bit, but he at least was able to get in some digs and he's pretty funny.

HAULED MY SELF IN

2007-05-23T23:32:00.000-05:00

In an email to my good buddy Wayne:
Last night at Phyllis' Musical Inn and after my horrific set I normally only hit two beers, but I had three and half a cup of water:

About 9:05 when comedians were still performing the bartender/bar owner turned off the Sox game which was in the bottom of the 8th to watch the Cubs game that just started, so I got pissed and stormed out instead of trying to plead my lone Sox status. Mind you I am buzzed and pissed as I walk down the street and I see a cop trying to get into someone's place for whatever reason, but I was thinking, "Oooooh somebody's getting a noise complaint" and I rounded the corner and got into my car. Watching a car on the other side of the street pull out, I decide to flip a bitch to get back to Wood and I was a little pedal heavy when I did it and as I noticed there was no stop sign, I noticed a cop in the middle of the road with his hand out to make me stop. He stares at the front of my car and I'm thinking my license plate fell off or something. He comes to the driver's side window and asks for my license, but no insurance card and then asks me what my address is and I tell him and I'm still not knowing what I've done wrong here since my eyes have been on him since I almost ran him over. "I'm writing you a citation." and I said, 'For what? What did I do?" and he says, "Well, all the other cars on this street are going one way and you are going the opposite (or something to that effect)" OH. Clearly I was in the wrong. Then I start to panic because I've had three beers and what if they make me take a breathalyser. Fuck. He took my license and told me to go to the police station at Augusta and Wood (about 2 blocks away) and wait for him there since he was on foot. But not to try to get away because he memorized my license plate and obviously because he has my license. Well, I am cussing at my self the whole 2 blocks to the station and I get in there and it was exactly what a police station looked like. Big counter, quite a few cops behind the counter and that typing noise that you always here when there are cop stations in tv or movies. Two female police officers approach me from behind the counter and ask how they can help me and I tell them that I am there to get a ticket for going the wrong way on a one way. They were like, "Are you here to post bond on your license?" and I'm like what? How much is that? "$100, or it could be $75." Well, what if I don't have that?" I asked and they were saying that I could drive on the yellow ticket that is issued to me, but if I get pulled while driving with that, I could get another ticket. So, the anxiety is just brewing and I am doing my fucking damndest not to be a little bitch and cry. Finally, the cop that sent me there strolls in and the whole place stirs and they were all congratulating him for getting me while he was on foot. Whatever. Not helping. So he goes behind the counter, approaches me with a yellow piece of paper wrapped around my license and says, "You did two things right. One, you stopped for me and didn't take off and two, you came to the police station and also, I don't feel like going to my locker in the basement to get my book to write you a ticket. " To which a fellow pig says, "Flores, your book's right here." And Flores says, "Well you better go before I change my mind." So I beat it out of there, sat in my car outside the police station for about 10 mins and cried my eyes out. I was so fucking pissed about the douche bar owner changing the channel to the Cubs game that I almost got slapped with a boat load of problems if not hurting myself or someone else. I can totally understand people killing people and getting into fights.
Drinking leads to anger and violence. Who knew? I thought I would be a depressed drunk not an angry one. PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE!!

DIRTY HIPPIE

2007-05-17T00:30:00.000-05:00

The word hippie growing up had negative connotations from both parents. I never realized how much of a fan of the environment I was until I had to think about the price of oil. For all the things I believe in, for everything that happens for a reason, and for the amazing things I've learned and peeps I've met, W and Dick are strapped to our stomachs like a suicide bomber's MacGyver. The best part are the people that were with them in the beginning and got swindled. That hurts and the douches in power should be reprimanded for the terrible danger they have led us into for 7 years. It makes me sick to my stomach. Shall we digress? Yes, we will.

Tree hugging/er has always been in my pile of non-PC sayings that I still frequently use with no offense intended by any means, but still there like fag, gay, and nigger. Of course this in a controlled environment in most cases, but still no malice and or bigotry. I would certainly not live in any city if I had problems with any other person including, but not limited to midgets in wheelchairs, vets on crutches missing an arm and a leg (another phrase I frequently use), people with hooks, you fucking name it and you can find most of anything in a city. I LOVE DIVERSITY!!!! I also love when people are conscious of things around them and take heed that if we protect the environment, keep religion as a private and personal situation, and be open minded, we might just be able to co-habitate without all the unnecessary killing. i am proud that I want peace in this world and I am proud that I care more about trees than the fucking asshole that just pulled out in front of me and then gave me the bird. Go environment!
Read about and Participate

New Kitty? No just changing kitty litter thanks.

2007-05-14T12:18:00.000-05:00

"8 Cats, one lived until he was 26 then died of heart attack" she said as I piled my items including a cat poop scoop on the counter. She asked if I was getting a new kitty and I started to explain that I just started using a new kitty litter that was biodegradable (Shweat Scoop), but I didn't even get to "litter" by the time she whipped out pics of all 8 of her cats. She was precious as her co-workers of a different ethnicity from her started looking at each other and rolling their eyes.

I would go into how I am super afraid of me becoming this woman, but we shall skip it as it won't be happening.

Bats in the Cave

2007-05-10T23:55:00.000-05:00

For many years, decades, centuries, etc. people have been dealing with boogers in their noses. I was thinking about it today when the allergies I never had before I quit smoking cigarettes led me to constantly scratch my nose since 10am. Seriously all day. So annoying. I get a little complex about it because I don't want people to assume I'm looking for the coke I missed. So paranoid. I just kept sniffin' and rubbing even though I was completely aware that I just needed to pick it. Sometimes blowing doesn't help and sometimes the scratching the nose doesn't help and then you are forced to get to diggin'. An old friend that I've lost touch with and I used to call out, "Stevaay" when we needed one to check our booger situation. "Stevaay" was for Stevie Wonder. If we threw our heads back, side to side then said it, the other would know to look for boogers. It was a good system because virtually no one would get it or at least no one said anything.

A blog of boogers. They do freeze in the winter.

Night Mutha Fucking Crawlers

2007-05-04T01:43:00.000-05:00

Literally. These are the nastiest fuckers ever. I've been dealing with this bitch for 4 and 1/2 hours. I usually catch them when near or on the ceiling. They are the creepiest of all insects that I've had the absolute displeasure of encountering. What's scary is that they are getting bigger as though the more I kill the more enraged they get and they are shooting up steroids to try to get to my size. If that happens, somebody has been spikin' my OJ. So I was gearing up to put some laundry away and as I finished dialing a longtime friend, Stephen, I looked up and in the corner was the biggest nightcrawler I'd ever seen. Gives me the heebs runnin' down my spine. Yeeeeessssh. The worst part is, it's not the right name. They look like they would be called something like that. I need to go to sleep, but I haven't cleaned up the mess yet. I am having massive issues about killing this bug, let alone how I tortured it for 3 hrs and then the last 1hr I've been devising a clean up plan. I pace a lot. I feel terrible for killing it and then having to clean it up right before I go to bed. Don't want it to be last image of the night.

Defense of the TUBE

2007-04-27T21:24:00.000-05:00

As a product of television, I consider myself pretty freakin' lucky. I've always been on the chubbier side and played Barbies CONSTANTLY, but never once thought that I was supposed to have a waist like that nor did I think that however killing someone was fun or a regular thing. There are no false hopes, no proof of insanity or retardation for me, but television today (save some shows like 30 Rock and some mistakenly canceled shows like Arrested Development and the first season of The O.C.) is pathetic. Removing that laugh track on some brought us out a little, but reality shows put us right back in the idiot pool. As a avid supporter of television and Public Broadcasting, but as a non-conformist, I am so disappointed that though upon arrival Survivor may have been a great idea, but then why have the exact same show just slightly tweaked by 17 different names? The BBC and Canada were early sources from where I picked up comedy and get really pissed off at America for taking a show from such genius like Ricky Gervais (even though he produced it and Steve Carell is gold) and copycatting it to fit American culture. I know, I know, it's been done for years and with movies and music, too, but it just seems like we're cranking out these talented fuckers for what? To copy what doof just did 5 mins ago and capitalize on the wave is the way of it these days and I am a non-conformist that can't seem to find the heart to embrace the capitalism. Shit. That's gonna keep me poor for a long time.

Tragic and Super

2007-04-17T21:31:00.000-05:00

If there was any other way to say, 'in the wake of tragedy', I would insert that here: blah, blah, I continue to focus on stand up comedy. In fact, this is one of the most horrific displays of why guns should not be allowed on civilian persons unless you're on COPS, meaning they are faced down with a gun in their back. There are too many retards about to give restrictions so they just say their background is being checked when it probably isn't. It is amazing that now college campuses are going to have to not only racially profile their students, monitor the knuckleheaded individuals who will now target or harass any Asian students, but start thinking that anyone on campus is capable of killing mass amounts of unprotected life. Unbelievable. Fucking unbelievable. I digress.

For the sake of keeping a promise to myself, I went ahead to the open mic tonight for the third week in a row and to my surprise, my bus buddy was there. Do you have a bus buddy? Jean is her name and she is the only person that has managed to transcend the laws of 'not talking to the folks at the bus stop'. She is a world traveler. Smart. Has studied in Dublin, London, and India among other places. She is married to an Irishman, but she herself bares no accent and doesn't wear a wedding ring. Cute, they are, as they did not show affection in front of me the other day which I found refreshing and strange. Different from the norm. Love it. She met me at the bar unannounced and was about to leave when I strolled in kind of late. My set was not the best and under the circumstances, I'm pretty damn proud of myself just for going considering my inability to be consistent and the sadness of the early week events. A friend said that he was proud of me for my recent 'sticktoitiveness' and I gladly take the compliment.

And if you have a moment and aren't completely sicked out by the way the media handled this situation and want to give a shout out in some way to the HOKIES, please feel free to do so.

peace in the middle east.

A Never Thought of Comparison

2007-04-10T01:15:00.000-05:00

Sam Kinnison. I was compared to Sam Kinnison. Never have thought to compare myself to him. In fact, until a few years ago, he annoyed the crap out of me. Because he was a comedian, however, I gave him the benefit of the doubt since he was obviously doing something right and if I can get passed the screaming, I'll laugh with him. Sure enough and that acceptance has lead me to here. Another part of the journey. To be a stand up comedian is abrasively uncomfortable. I want it so bad that I would give up today instead of striving for the perfection that I want to achieve as it will be a loooooong MOFO road to hoe. Last week was SOOOOO much busier than most over the last couple of years and though in retrospect it made the week go by waaaaaay faster than I like, that is something I will need to let go of and understand that a lot can be done in 15 minutes. Things can be done a lot quicker if you do it now as opposed to later. Giving the understanding of my nature and/or habits of before and now, I am slowly submerging myself a little more into the public.

Once again I will be journeying to Phyllis' Musical Inn for the second Tuesday open mic on my reemergence back into the place that is stand up comedy. I have spent just about the last 12 years avoiding that which is prescribed as antidepressants. I have taken them before and have also been in and out of therapy to deal with a breakdown in my mental state, but until 2 years ago had minimal success.

Upon graduating college after 4.5 yrs of just "getting it done", I have found that I need people to need me, but I also believe that I can't stay in just one area because of the people. I would like to, but it as it ends up all the time, people get married, have kids, move to burbs, and have a whole new life they create for themselves. That's great. It was brought to my attention most recently that I am and always will be a non-conformist. That's it. I never considered myself that, but in retrospect, again, I totally see it. The first few early examples have to do with theatre and music. In chorus, in 7th grade, we were to choose a song for our final and I chose "Here, There, and Everywhere" by The Beatles (greatest band ever). I had heard the song once before and didn't know that sheet music was not always the layout of what the band was singing on the album. It was good anyway because I did it a cappella and no one else did theirs a cappella. Being in music, but not theatre until later, I used to poo poo Phantom of the Opera and Les Miserables, because I didn't believe in the hype. These are just small examples of non-conformity.

This new understanding of myself has allowed me to relax a little in my skin and, though just a hair faster than a snail's pace, I will get myself back into the performing world.

Easter and Stuff

2007-04-08T22:09:00.000-05:00

So this whole Jesus thing has me thinking that I don't really know how to accept him and the faith because a lot of his followers are retarded. And I mean retarded in the sense that someone took the time to create an anatomically correct(?!) Jesus out of chocolate and then there are those that have the audacity to call it blasphemous. Let it go. If you so believe in this man, that blasphemous talk should be kept to yourself because he works the opposite way from you. He would praise that person for their dedication and artistic sculpetry.

Had the luck to get to my first White Sox game of the season today, for Easter. A good friend who's parents have season tickets have had some family stuff happening and offered the tickets to me at midnight the night before the game and I certainly couldn't pass that up. It occured to me just how few friends I have in Chicago as I scrolled through my cell phone book and noticed that most live on the east or west coast and only a few remain in Chicago or other parts of the continent. That made me feel lonely. But that's ok, I am gaining my strength back even though I still get sick to my stomach if there is too much PDA . Couples are fine, but don't force it on me and it was all day at the ballpark. I'm a big girl and can handle going places by myself, but it makes my life and little more annoying when it's all I can do to not break down and accuse people of joking me for being whatever (chubby, alone, wearing pants covered in cat hair, blah, blah). I never can confirm if folks are joking me or laughing amongst themselves. I am so paranoid - Don't say it because I already know what you want to say.

More Boring If I Tried

2007-04-03T21:32:00.000-05:00

Hey hey. I just completed the first step in resurrecting (Easter ref) my stand up comedy career. I went to Phyllis' Musical Inn tonight to do some crackpot stand up. The ad said sign up was at 6:30 and because I'm a little gun shy by being female and being shut out of open mics because of this detail, I was gonna be first to sign up and I was the first AND only to sign up before 7:30. I actually got a buzz on tonight. I had two beers and a shot of whiskey. The set was lame, but for what it's worth in getting over stage fright was priceless. At least there were more than two peeps in there and they weren't all comedians. I ranted a bit, but it got a few laughs so I'm happy about the outcome. It served it's purpose and it will serve it's purpose again. The host was an arrogant douche from the beginning and then I realized that he is just compensating. You don't call yourself an expert unless you are a highly paid professional in that line of work or you just got fired. This kid's hosting open mic stand up and just had his first opener gig and he's calling himself an expert. Oy vey! Good times overall, the bartender, Kevin is a treat, and the place is a neat venue.

Times are Better

2007-03-25T15:04:00.000-05:00

Even with the super rip that took out the bottom of my raincoat on Thurs, not to mention the stalker on Tuesday and an absolute scare that shook my love for my buddy Chubbs to the core on Friday, this was an absolutely delightful week. Despite the fact that my neighbors returned from a wonderfully long 24 hr vacation away from me, today has been nice. Yesterday I was able to donate blood once again as I haven't been able to in some time since getting sick and having high blood pressure even though I stopped the cigarettes 9 months ago and haven't looked back. The pressure was still high, but lower than it had been in recent checks and hopefully that will continue to plummet as I am trying to take care of my health organically and holistically.

In addition to just a better and more positive attitude towards myself these days, I had two lovely ladies visit yesterday and they keep me reminding myself and everyone how important friends are in your life. I have a loving family, but we are tuuuurrrrrrible communicators and a little on the selfish side, so I rely more heavily on friends in time of need. I consider myself pretty loyal until you (figurative you) do or say something repeatedly damaging, it ends clearly by one saying I can't speak to you anymore, or it just trails off like most of the men I've dated over the last few years. Meh. smell ya later. But these ladies are stupendously spectacular. Super HEEB HO stopped by to help me rid the do and donate the locks to a fabulous cause and Slave came over for some friendship, nail painting and some de-stressing time. Laughter is instant gratification which is why I've once again found myself reaching for comedy in any form. It makes me happier and it helps me let go of the things that are killing me, but I continue to sneeze. I've never sneezed so much in my life. Now that I don't smoke anymore, now I have allergies. Next week I'm going to get some flowers for the balcony unless my living situation changes. Here's hoping things work out for the best and remain more positive than negative.

Chivalrous Waldo

2007-03-22T10:14:00.000-05:00

Upon sardining myself on Chicago #66 approximately at 8:31 this morning I noticed this young man wearing what appeared to be a Where's Waldo shirt. Upon more sneak peeks, he actually had the Waldo look with the thick framed black glasses and not so fro-ey hair, but definitely looked like a real life Waldo. The train has been sucky as it is with delays and overcrowding due to the delays, but today the platform underground at Chicago's Blue Line stop was pretty open. I was the first to descend into the underground passage to the platform and I was the only person that stopped at my usual stopping and train loading spot. I was standing there for a few minutes when a man came by shuffling and what seemed to be wheezing and stood not 2 ft away from me. There was about 40 ft around me that was open, but this guy wanted to stand 2 ft from me breathing as he was and staring at me. Me being the person that makes eye contact had made eye contact initially when this man shuffled passed, but did not attempt to look in his direction again nor did I want to move away from him quickly for it may have sparked some unpleasantness. Well, in not doing anything the man go closer and started to move in behind me. I slid myself against a post a with a smile and an exasperated sigh I grab one side of my face with my hand and had made eye contact with Waldo (I know not his name and hope that no offense is taken by calling him Waldo) who had been watching me and what this guy was doing the whole time we were standing there. Without a word, he started to walk towards me and the creepy guy and without words he corraled the dude away from me. The panic come over me when the train was too crowded and I feared I'd be left on the platform again with the guy, but I didn't want to try the door he and Waldo were using, but the one that was close to me was blocked by people loading and a packed doorway. The panic was enough for me to push in behind a woman and to plead with the passengers to let me in, please and they did without any grief. I looked down the train to where Waldo had borded, leaving the creepy, breathing guy on the platform waiting for the next train. Waldo and I made eye contact and I gave him a 'Thank you' in sign language and mouthed it to him to which he nodded and smiled a little. Thank you for diffusing a potentially scary scene, Mr. Chivalrous Waldo.

Ha Toe Ta Ti Ti

2007-03-18T14:43:00.000-05:00

Oh doesn't it feel good when you force yourself to do something and it actually turns out ok?! It sure do. Went to a party last eve for a good lady's Bat Mitzvah and it turned out to be totally fabulous. Over the last few years I have had some luck in having a terrible time with myself at party's of strangers whether it be that I was uncharacteristically unsocial or that the crowd and I just didn't gel. For this reason, I kind of stopped going out. Now it really depends upon my mood or the group and where they're gathering. Sometimes I won't go because I know someone else will be there and I really have no desire to see them or have to dodge them or even confront them at someone else's party. Let alone having to be fake or stifle the disdain I have for them. So negative, believe me, I KNOW! It's terribly frustrating, but now and especially after last night (Thanks LP and Brosef!), I feel a wee more confidence building my bones and balls back up. I wore a beautiful and my most expensive piece of clothing last night. Never wore, only tried on, still had the tags, bought it 3 yrs ago and I just could not bring myself to wear it, until last night. I actually felt good leaving the apt. I was a wee self conscious, but I was also willing to jump out and take the chance that I needed. It's also a sure fire way to get me to keep up with the exercise. I have a few more pieces of clothing that I've never worn because of the weight (bought for incentive to lose weight), so we are taking the initial reason for the purchases and trying to make that be the motivation for getting even healthier.

Good times. Hope all enjoyed a safe and wickedly drunk St Patty's Day!

Dead and Cum

2007-03-05T00:47:00.000-06:00

er, uh...Dedication and Commitment. Two words that used to describe a life of mine. See here as this blog has gone by the wayside. A month or so it has been since last I published anything here, but there are 7 drafts just sitting waiting to be completed. I give it to those that are not lazy and continue to put the word out or get a simple chore finished, like taking out the trash (it's a gd accomplishment and don't let anyone tell you diff'rnt). In recent months, I have come to realize that I am indeed spoiled. In so many different ways. My mother spoiled me the only way she knew how because I was an only child pretty much (the youngest of 4 by 9yrs). People have also spoiled me by giving me the greatest friendships of all time for about a year or two then we never speak again for many different reasons. A death, a cheat, a lie, a retarded hypocrisy, distance, and just being girls. Throughout these relationships you look to find yourself and grow together for a bit and learn new things to accept or not about the other. Generally friends will accept one another in such a way that a slip of the tongue should only result in maybe an argument or a few days of not talking not a lifetime of silence. Then again, those friends that can't see past themselves in any way shape or form, though they may think they do, remove themselves either because they are sick of hearing the truth every time I am around and that ain't the troooffff they tryin' to heah or it's not enough about them. The other spoilin' come from that fallout. Trust is still an issue no matter how hard I try to break back to the way it used to be. Lately I have been really making an effort to think about how I used to react to people as a child. More specifically, how did I react and communicate with the "special" folk? Watching a bit of the Beatles' Anthology last night and they remarked on how John would act kind of retarded (of course the 3 remaining didn't say it that way) when he would be uncomfortable; anywhere. There was even clips of it. I laughed. I picked it up from previous clips before they said anything. Me too, John. Regardless. Being the comedian, I was always nice to special folk and then had a good laugh at their expense later, but then it was adolescent immaturity and now it's just immaturity for comedy's sake. Genuinely though I used to help out like go to a dance for the Special Olympics and let my high school janitor grab my ass when I was a senior! OMFG!!! Creepy and no I didn't let him, but you know my whole youth group was joking and egging me on. I used to help the kids with crutches, chairs, Cerebral Palsy, etc, here and there and I want to do that again. Seems more rewarding to help other people and spread the wealth. It's also hard to hang on to friends because they sure do come and go so quickly so might as well make someone new have a good time. I used to dedicate and commit myself to making sure all who I encountered had a good time with me or I was able to help them in some capacity. So much so that even in their absence, though it may be miles and years since seeing or communicating with them, I will still spend just a little time of my day thinking fondly on that person and wondering how they are when guaranteed they haven't thought of me in years. It's been a long road on the way to myself and we are getting there. A few setbacks this past year have given me a new way to look at things and it will take a little more time to get to a good place again. Just want to give a shout out to you HEEB HO for your friendship and total understanding of the way things should be. Thanks for the Purim. That was ssssssssssuper!

Get out and Thank

2007-02-01T00:07:00.000-06:00

There are many days social interaction is not on the agenda and those days exist now because most everything I say is interpreted the opposite of what I was trying to communicate thus leading my confidence on a downward spiral and keeping me safe at home. A rather large wordage misstep occurred during a recent visit with a friend who has a significant amount of money and as I looked out at his land, I didn't scream, but I said out and fulled voiced, "I just want to drink in the richness", and he said, "What's that supposed to mean?" "The richness of ...land." That's really all I meant, because the trees were so green and the air was so clean and virtually the best I'd ever breathed. He seemed so alarmed it almost made me weep. We are good now. I don't think he thinks I'm after his money because that is furthest from my mind. I value our friendship so far above money it's immeasurable the distance. He is one that can get me out of the house no matter what stupid junk I say. He is thanked every day for that. Have a good day.

Thank someone.

Asparagus and Pew

2007-01-25T10:33:00.000-06:00

The other evening I joined a pair of really super peeps for dinner and some quality theatre. We ate at Sidebar which is a nice bar in the Loop of Downtown Chicago. As it goes, I have to remove as much bread from my diet as possible for health reasons (not dieting) and in doing so, my choices were limited here at Sidebar. Everything was a sandwich or had something I didn't want added to the sandwich like onions or tomatoes. I just get tired of having to ask for shit to be removed from the sandwich. Build it like I want it, not smothered in onions or drenched in tomatoes. If I wanted that, I'd find myself a Waffle House and get some hash browns. So I got the pot roast with the veggie of the day which happened to be asparagus. Now, I am somewhat new to the enjoyment of asparagus and the cuts that accompanied the pot...roast, that is, were tiny and perfectly cooked.

After dinner we proceeded on to the Goodman to see August Wilson's final installment, Radio Golf. August Wilson is a neat playwright. He has chronicled the roots of African Americans from the 1900s up to the 90s. He died last year before the Goodman could produce the 10th and final of his Cycle of 10 plays. As we were waiting for the house to open, I spotted a dude I had worked with on a terrible production (which was the production that stopped my stage managing), but I wasn't sure if it was him or not. When we go in to the house to find our seats, where are we sitting? Two seats away from that dude, James. Sweet guy, but after I said, "Hello", you could tell he didn't remember my name. So sad. We worked closely in a booth, calling shows for 8 wks and not a clue came across his face until after intermission. At intermission, I went to the ladies room and the nastiest smell was coming from the toilet. I was like WTF?! I wasn't sure if it was me, the water, or what, but I didn't think anything of it until I got home and peed again. The same rancid smell came up between my legs and bowl as it occurred to me that asparagus would be the culprit. Unbelievable. I mean morning pee is pretty stinky, but this stream beats heinous. At least 6 pees smelled this way and each time I was caught off guard with an 'Newman' like, only with 'Asparagus' exclamation. Amazing how something so good for you can produce such a putrid smell repeatedly. pew.

Has Been Not Been

2007-01-24T16:23:00.000-06:00

For all intents and purposes, this part of the journey has supposedly been about me, and it has, but not. Last year's resolution was met, granted it took half the year to do it, but it's done and will never be an issue again. This year I have a group of tasks for the resolution and we are partially winning the battle of the procrastination game. It is difficult working thru the ye lame time of the month, but at least I am aware of the worst part of the month. In addition to the knowledge of myself that I have gained over the past couple years, this year will be time for focusing and dedication. For the first time in a very long time, I am over my phone issues. I loathe the phone. If it were more readilly available, I would use telegrams. Not only have I lost the pack of friends I used to have, but most have moved, others have partnered off and still others are just not involved in my life for one reason or another. These are the reasons that I must remember why I have to put myself as the focus for my growth. So if I don't answer the phone and you leave a message, be patient, I'll call you back eventually. Just know that I don't check voice mail, but once every few weeks since virtually no one other than solicitors call and they even leave messages now.

It is time for a commitment to myself to complete the preliminary mission of me.

And now this...

2007-01-14T18:28:00.000-06:00

Plans have been made. Movement forward isn't exactly what has taken place due in part to some kind of illness the doctors are unfamiliar with, but won't necessarily agree with the patient, so stress gives aggrivation to the illness. Who knows what this change could be and it can also be associated with a few different angles. One being sexually transmitted, yet that has not been a consideration by any doctors and they know of my random and sparse acts of sexualness. Second being turning 30 and now so many people have come out to say that their body started doing weird things when they turned 30. Including, but not limited to becoming allergic to something they were never allergic to before. And lastly, but not all-ly, stopping the cigarette smoking. One thing I had been hesitant to deal with was the reaction my body would do after I stopped because while I was a smoker, I rarely got sick. I had bronchitis twice in the 11 years of smoking cigs, but never colds or fevers, although diarrhea was a regular and I attributed that to the Coca-Cola that remained a constant nutrient in my college years. Anyhoo. With this illness has come parental panic and plans of me leaving Chicago. My mother wants me to move back home to go to her doctors by way of taking a leave of absence and they would pay my bills. Ugh. I am very hopeful that I will outlive my parental units, but if anything, I would hope that I could have some time to myself before I am to take care of them. My mother has not only been laying on the guilt, but she lays on the negative. She doesn't see the brightside. Things always seem the worst, but not in a dramatic sort of way, but in a life sort of way. Not in a preachy way, but in a conversational way, I try to express the need for her to stop smoking and yet she manages to defend the one a day method. Fair enough. Negative in the sense that she and my stepfather just returned from Hawaii. What could possibly be negative about a trip to Hawaii? What was the first thing she laid (haha) in on? the flights. Not the trees, not the weather, not even the food, it was the GD flights and the MF turbulence. Come ON! Still negative, but since tabling some moves on my part, I think I will begin to hear more positive. Here's hoping.

Killer

2007-01-06T20:28:00.000-06:00

In confrontation there is usually some kind of release. If this release is closure, the release is that much more healthy, but if the release is in vain or exasperation, then the confrontation is pointless. Another chapter in the neighbor saga. Last night or this am at about 2:30, the neighbors got home and decided to wake up their neighbor again for the second time in a week. This is the second time also this week that I have had to ask them to be quiet. It takes so much rage in me to go and ask someone to stop doing anything that crying is on the brink. I don't like to have to confront people, let alone when I know they are fucking and really being rough in the bedroom above my bedroom. I had to pound on their door like the damn police for the second time this week. That makes three disruptions in a week. This is after I gave them a letter asking for them to lighten up on their footsteps and even speaking with the lady of the couple without resolving anything, but they have gotten louder. Whether by coincidence or sheer spite, it is damaging my demeanor some more. I wrote an email to the landlord this am at 4 am explaining the situation and attaching the letter I gave them. He seemed sincere enough in his response to me and said he would look into it. At least he thanked me for letting him know. Instead of telling me to get over it. The Golden Rule is something I try to live by in work and in life and it is so frustrating to see and deal with people who don't see it that way. They see entitlement and not being considerate to those around you. They don't know me and I don't know them, but my opinion of them is very poor and I would imagine the same comes back to me. This is the part that bothers me the most. I can see their side, but they can't see mine and refuse to in the process. They feel they are entitled to walk however loud they want to and to some degree they are right, but neither one of us own these spaces, the building, or are the only people that live here. I see it as being considerate and they take it as ridiculous to compromise their footsteps. The bright side? The bright side is that the whole day I have been looking for my mp3 player since I am one of 5 people that don't own an iPod and I'm ok with that and had to settle for my Walkman. The plan was to have headphones on to drown out my neighbors while I got some work done around the apt and it has worked. The bright side, you ask? I will be going to through some tapes and some of those tapes, I haven't listened to like this random Beatles tape, but it was a scam because they only sing one song on it and some ripoff artist sings the rest. I might listen to it a little more closely to hear if it sounds like Harrison on guitar and the other boys on back up. Little Mraz and the Beatles and we'll be dippin' into the singles. Remember singles? Tevin Campbell, Paula Abdul, NKOTB - YEAH!

HANGIN'

2007-01-04T12:37:00.000-06:00

From the square to you. If you have a hangover and you are inclined to show up to work, give yourself a break and stay at your seat unless absolutely necessary to get up. If this is a regular occurence, do yourself another favor and get some help. Without sounding self righteous, I feel sorry for alcoholics. Thankful daily does not describe the feelings I have for not being an alcoholic. I am a head. I give good and I smoke good. Inspite of the fact that alcohol is legal and dopity dope is not, I choose to smoke. I have two vices of the gluttonest kind, getting high and eating, but I stopped cigarettes, I seldom touch the drink, and I would never come to work intoxicated by anything. It is absolutely fascinating and sometimes uncomfortable to be a non-drinker who is not recovering or a child. If I had saved a nickel for everytime my mother offered me an alcoholic beverage, I'd be in LA by now. She knows I don't and yet she wants me to and it's unclear whether it is to make her feel better for partaking. After stopping cigarettes, I have found a way to look at people with this kind of debilitating addiction (please forgive if this sounds righteous again) and it encourages me to continue on a non-nioctine life. The man that lead me on this path just died a little over a month ago by way of lung cancer. This man stopped in 1983, but continued to mentor people to stop by encouraging them to smoke in his prescence and this, I believe is how the cancer crept inside. The drink can do the same to a liver, only it is not by second hand drunkeness, it is by ingesting the juice on your own. I pray for a friend who recently lost her father unexpededly, that she may find strengh in her friends and family and not pick up those cigarettes in this time of pain. I haven't been able to talk to her and I have cried every day for her pain in addition to the hope that nicotine does not make it into her bloodstream as a way to cope with this terrible loss. Crutches are good for a short period of time, but if you don't give yourself the chance to heal without them, the crutch will become a part of you that will be harder and harder to ween. Don't even get me started on the drunk driving. Here's to a safe and less alcohol-related-deaths new year!!!! Happy New Year!

http://www.way2hope.org/alcoholism_signs_self-test.htm

http://www.theeasywaytostopsmoking.com/

Crashing

2006-12-21T18:38:00.000-06:00

For the first time ever, I was in a car wreck while I was behind the wheel. Crazy. I have been driving for 13 years and have received one speeding ticket (that was richly overdue) and have only been the passenger in at least 3 wrecks that involved other vehicles. The amount of adrenaline that pulsed through my body reminded me of being on ecstacy. It also reminded me of how dangerous cars are in general and you only have to have a license to drive. Nowhere does it state you need any common sense or good judgement. (photo above is not my accident- I just like the pic for effect!)

Good Mix for your tummy

2006-11-26T14:23:00.000-06:00

Happy post Thanksgiving to all. It was indeed a day to be thankful. The morning was spent with two super folks in addition to a church hosting a Thanksgiving meal free of charge for those who feel so inclined. It was a glorious mix of good and hungry folks. These types of circumstances always get my heart hurting and my ducts a-workin'. For that day, I did pretty good by keeping busy and channeling the good thru a smile as opposed to tears. Sometimes volunteer situations bring on stress and discomfort, but the folk's at St. Benedict's were just as jolly as Old St Nick may have been. Seriously, most of them had rosy cheeks whether they were Irish, cookin', or helpin' about. Interestingly enough, as in many situations, people would come to me to ask for direction, "Where do the pies go?, Where can I get coffee? Do we have plastic bags? Who's in charge?", etc. Ironically enough, I knew most of the answers or some how found out before being asked. Not only was it happening, but one of my friends noticed and made note of how people seem to look to me as a possible authority figure just by the way I was standing there. Little did most of those people know that I was pretty much guarding the reserve bread and keeping out of the way, but ready to do something else if asked or if another person was needed. There were a few ladies trying to ease into my spot, but I held strong until they clearly wanted my post. Fine, I yielded and was granted a spot on the serving line anyway. It was indeed a good time. Later I joined some other friends that hosted some cousins and couple of us orphans. It was nice and mostly traditional. I miss fungos, though. Fungos: what slightly overweight or lazy men do as their form of baseball -where one guy hits a ball into to the outfield, but there is no base running. I never said I played, I was a girl and what the fuck would a girl know about baseball of any other sport.

Hope you enjoy a little Gary Larson.

I was thankful to spend at least a day with other people since the rest of the weekend was spent by myself and that's ok until I fell. I fucking fell flat on my keister with a head hittin' the refrigerator. It has left several marks. I knew it was gonna happen because Chubbs (the kitty) had a little vomit action that I had cleaned up and while I cleaned it up I made a note to myself that the spot would be slippery, and sure enough. It was kind of scary because no one called until today. I don't talk to anyone on a regular basis anymore and I was just thinking how thankful I was for not hurting myself or for not falling on Thurs and hurting myself and no one would know until Mon when I wouldn't show for work. Is menopause setting in or is it the weed talking?

careful what you wish for

2006-11-20T21:08:00.000-06:00

At one point I said, "G-d, I wish people would stop calling me." And it is so. If I didn't work with the phone all the time, I might want to talk on the phone, but few and far between. I went the whole week end without one call or even return call from a friend. I feel good about myself

Babysitting for an allergy prone child (or an over protective single mother) brought on feelings of being left out and I used to be like, "I wanna have allergies. That would be fun to go to the doctor every other week for the next 5 years to see what, if any and all, things I am allergic to. I've not been allergic to anything per se, but have always had skin problems. Now I have a rash on my neck and other odd places (not my crotch) and am donning two patches on my back to see if I am allergic to any of the 24 "scratches". That's right, I get my allergy tests, but I bet the needles were more fun.

For some reason, I always thought about bringing on hardship to myself. I used to constantly think about 'what would happen if I stubbed my toe on that..." knowing full well it would be painful, butstill visioned the blood and the desired the pain with blood. WTF?

Boo

2006-11-12T20:40:00.000-06:00

Happens every time. Over analyzing. Smothering the thought instead of enjoying the idea. Anticipating every possible angle until nothing ever happens now because it is jinxed. I honestly feel as though I jinx every possible boyfriend situation and even though I can see it happening, I can't stop myself. Yeeeesh. It ends the same way, just a fade out. Few and far between phone calls suddenly just stop or the text messages don't get returned and I am fine with it more than not. I am a lover not a fighter and I have yet to meet the man I am willing to fight for. I went so far as to research some of his state's history.

It is a strange feeling to want to know something about a person so much, that you would try to find things out by the littlelist clues because you didn't have much to go on. -make sense?

My Kermit

2006-11-10T21:40:00.000-06:00

Have you ever received a phone call from someone that has a whole lotta friends, lives thousands of miles away, and is wicked busy? You wonder, 'Man, you have so many friends and yet you have consistantly made an effort to keep in touch with me. Why me?' He is one of the people that keep me alive. There has been a dip in my positive movement forward in the last couple weeks and the phone call last night has helped lift it up just a bit. This person, in my opinion is the coolest person I have ever met. However; I am terribly awkward around him in our continued and more intimate, at times, friendship. An intense inferiority complex fueled by insecurities about myself as a human, let alone as an artist (with what ever art I continue), keep me awkward around such greatness. Why I give him that much worship is still a total mystery to me, but I think I have made my decision on how I feel about him. I still get entirely too wound up when he calls. I am not talking romantically or sexually, but something else that makes me crazy. I visited him out west not too long ago and I just was completely overwhelmed. A most creative and meditative environment. I have been dealt a variety of positive and negative things over the years. Mostly negative and dissappointment is no stranger, so it's almost expected for everything now. When something is genuinely good, all I want to do is cry because I can't handle it; I'm not used to it. I cried a few times during the trip and when I got home I felt so much better spiritually because of the place I visited physically and mentally. I have given the move out west more consideration and even went so far as to begin the actual route. Moving west is almost a crap shoot for me, but there is something creatively drawing me out there, so it seems only appropriate to check it out. My Kermit is out there, too. He's my real life Kermit the Frog and I just want him to stay in my pocket and keep me company. He sings pretty good, too. Bonus.

1/3 retraction

2006-11-08T20:08:00.000-06:00

OK. I take back a third of the nasties I spewed earlier today about the half sister thing, but I'm only giving a third back because you guys were obviously bitchin' about the gays so much that you almost forgot to vote to get yer baby back from that Iraq.

I also would like to say "Thank You" to America for finally understanding just how fucked up everything in our country and somewhat abroad is because of our government of yesterday. Literally. Let's hope these majors shifts help to better things.

Thank you for voting. (Hugs and hugs)

SUCK IT VIRGINIA

2006-11-08T11:00:00.000-06:00

You and your conservative, ignorant. hillbilly, white people need to go back to the hole where you and your sister make babies. Honestly. Do you know what you just did? You made that cave where you and your toothless half sister live in nasty, gross, dirty sin into a home to go to after you can legally git married. You dumb, redneck, cromagnons. I hope you are happy with your decision. Now, much like those that partake in the occasional dooobage, the unions that are built on love no matter the sex, race, or domestic partner situation will be termed criminals and you incestuous ignoramuses will continue to roam free procreating with your family members and bottom-of-the-barrel-genes. Good one.

Cock Block

2006-11-07T11:45:00.001-06:00

Take what you do not have and give virtually nothing to anyone, but yourself and ye shall find enjoyment. You are a cock block. Every time I was supposed to hang out with someone new you would text or call to see if I got some black cock and to my dismay, the black cock in question would not call or text that night. It happened 3 X's and now I haven't heard from him in over a week. Fine, it's done and I don't care, but I believe you are the constant reminder of the karma that I have damaged. In trying to be a better person all around, I have had nothing, but shit happen and a good portion of that shit I believe comes from my indiscretion with you. You sent a text yesterday announcing your next visit and I didn't respond, but I did, twice and erased them both because the more I thought about your text, the angrier I became at the whole fucking thing. And I mean, the fucking thing. It's almost as though you believe that I will always be available to you because I am weak and insecure. True to an extent. I consider you a friend (and I shouldn't) and in trying to block you out, I get more frustrated because you cut me off and now you want back in. well...FUCK YOU! You are a shit. Not once have you even thought that maybe a gesture of thanks or even a flower for my services was deserved. You and the other phone guy wouldn't even think that I might be a woman who deserved respect and possibly some care when I've spent the last 3 almost 4 years catering to what you needed. At the very least, the other guy ate me more than once and made sure that I indeed shared the same release that I gave to him. You are so caught up in the bad deed that you are doing that it has always been about you. Granted sure, you would make sure that I had my finish and in some pleasant times, we shared that together on the phone, but I will say it again, you get to love someone after you fuck me. I get nothing except the continuously whorish feeling that I've been used yet again with no thanks. And the black cock that you cock blocked? He didn't respect me either and I have one more option as it is and if that doesn't work out, we will be making our way back to celebacy lane. So let me THANK YOU for doing me the service of stopping all enjoyment because I am dying inside and now I will have to focus on my life's work instead of my next lay.

Roids and ru

2006-10-31T21:16:00.000-06:00

Turning 30 has brought with it some wondrous and some most annoying things ever. The experience of the 30 has been overall more enjoyable than not, but what else it has brought on is a whole new monster that is both exasperating and distracting. Just a little over a month ago I got this wicked nasty rash on my neck. Now, I am not a fan of things touching my neck and this includes necklaces and the winter turtleneck, but not men (and hadn't had one on my neck in a while) so for a rash to break out there presents some concern as I hadn't changed any eating, washing, or any other habits for that matter. I am a scratcher. Make it bleed and the itch will stop. As a child I had no nails so anything I could stab through that mosquito bite the better. Wait, better yet, let's rug burn it so that the entire surface area around it is so raw that it burns to the touch. Now add alcohol. Great! So long as it doesn't itch anymore. I have scars across my body from picking, scratching, nicking, or whatever and I can handle it. I am still a scratcher and the one thing that I've gained over the years other than maturity to know that scratching the shit out of something only makes it more susceptible to germs and diseases is the fact that I now have nails. For this reason I am most concerned because I am unable to stop myself from scratching in my sleep. I will take that scratch down to the end of the itch. I don't do meds, so while on a trip to NYC with my ailing mother a few weeks ago, we picked up three different types of cream/ointment/sprays and none of them worked the way I needed. One night, I woke up and found myself just scratching the living shit out of my feet. Even with open flesh wounds the spray Benadryl burned only slightly, but went right back to itching. My mother awoke and suggested that I pour some gin on the problem areas. Surprisingly, the gin (poured for my homeys, my feet) worked like magic. I was able to sleep. The problem though is that I can't be pouring gin on my feet or any other itching area every time it needs the relief, so I had to break down and ask my doctor for help (after returning to Chicago a week and 1/2 later). She was stumped so she put me on Prednizone and up until two days ago, I didn't know it was indeed a steroid. I felt great! All my skin problems cleared up and my skin was the clearest and smoothest it has been on record. Every skin problem I had seemed to clear up and I even stopped sneezing (which started when I quit smoking). About two weeks ago I woke up feeling like a bus hit me. I just attributed it to the road trip. Yesterday, I had blurred vision, major bones aching, muscle tension, nausea, and heartburn. WTF? I finally called my doctor to see WTF? and she said it was the withdrawal from the steroid. Not doing meds is almost the equivalent to not doing doctors and even though I had just read the side effects for the prednizone, I called my doc to verify because I actually trust her opinion. She has now referred me to an allergist. Great, another fucking doctor. I've never been so much as asked to be allergy tested and just assumed that I was not allergic to anything until I quit smoking and turned 30. Where are the doctors like this one that care? Why do I sound like I'm living off Social Security? Happy Halloween.

No disrespect

2006-10-31T15:28:00.000-06:00

The previous post is a thought, not an attack. It is increasingly upsetting to me that the moment I decide to become more of a vegetarian borderline vegan, my produce is threatened. Spinach is my favorite veggie. I'm sad. I love that we have food that comes from the earth that needs no processing and now it's in danger. The hippie is emerging. Next I will have to evaluate my showering. Water conservation is so important, but I am so OCD that I can not go a day without a shower or without washing my hands at least 15 xs a day. I at least wanted to start with the veggies. Come on veggies! Don't let me down.

Immigration Salmonella

2006-10-31T14:00:00.000-06:00

Did it ever occur to you that just when all this immigration and fencing hooplah has come about, the produce is becoming contaminated? A retaliation is happening and duly so. You take away our right to illegally cross your border and we wave the responsibility of growing your produce properly. huh? huh?

It's a thought.

Lifted

2006-10-17T21:48:00.000-05:00

From the decision made several months ago to stop a habit has grown forth a field of goodness. I had no idea that it would have this kind of effect on me and for it to be so tremendously positive. For the past 17 months I have been telling my stories (real stories of my life) to a woman who didn't know me from some other loony and she has helped me become a better person by believing in me. Above anything else, I needed a stranger to give me their honest, objective opinion about someone they will meet with, every other week, for the next year or two. She has been quite a helper. She hasn't made me do anything, she has just reinforced the feelings I had and helped me realize what I knew all along. So, in all this goo, I have found more confidence in myself. I haven't had this kind of confidence since my senior year in high school. Without sounding like an arrogant hooker, I have to say that most people I come into contact with find me a genuinely decent person. Granted, in the line of work I day job it in, I know I piss people off and sometimes it's almost unacceptable (the manner in which I piss them off), but it happens and I'm learning to be ok with that and yet, I am realizing how to still do a good job and handle the people that came to me at the wrong time. It's the main reason I could not work in the food industry. I don't hide it very well.

A few days ago I posted my first personal ad. I have answered a total of two and been denied both times so I decided that I'd post my own and turn things around. Well, I can't say for sure that I will find the man of my dreams this way, but it sure didn't hurt to have an extra large slice of ego boost courtesy of the post. I expected there to be a few more wacky dudes, but most of them were pretty genuine it seemed. A couple cock shots, and a couple that commented negatively on my annoyingly lost post. Those were deleted with no response. When I posted it I was sober and balls to the wall. If anything, I just needed to shout my best qualities out there so that I could get on with it and see what the men had to say about it. Pretty freaking positive. So positive I felt it necessary to pull my ad. I started to feel stressed out that I needed to respond to everyone so that I wouldn't be a bitch. I wanted the guys I rejected felt like I was being good to them and I tried to give a positive reason for the turn down. It's a bit uncomfortable. I don't care for that much attention because I honestly don't know how to handle it. I never have (please don't take this is as arrogant- if anything, self doubting until now). The whole idea of putting up a post, scanning the crowd to see and hear who may be a good match or interesting to chill with brings some new perspectives on life. The concept seems a bit like crabbing. Ever been in the Chesapeake Bay with your pants rolled up and throwing and pulling in crab pots and baskets? It's stinky, but it's pertinent to the story. Raw and uninhibited is something that I long to be, but still remain attached to some ever steady 50's mentality. It's an edge of normalcy on the brink of destruction. The more energetic and alive I become with the new lifestyle, the crazier I feel. The need to launch my teeth into something makes me feel almost like a vampire. The wave of desperation is so strong, but the denial makes it neutralize and still have that insane amount of energy that I didn't know existed within this 30 yr old mortal coil.

This overall feeling first happened back in March when I booked my flight to San Diego for $7.50. Never having been further west of the Mississippi than Illinois, I had only dreamt of the things I would not only fly over, but experience once I landed. It makes me cry a little to think of how happy I was those 4 days. When the plans were finalized there was this honestly organic orgasm that shot around my body for about 10 mins. Beats paying $30 for a pill of ecstasy. This buries the emotional distress my body goes through while watching award shows. Even if they are the lamest of the lame fucking award shows I am still crying and carrying on. I was in NYC recently and they had a rally for the Mets to go to the ALCS. I am walking with my mom and I just start crying. I think of how I felt with the Sox rally and then the ticker tape parade the city of Chicago gave them upon winning the World Series in 2005. 88 years it had been since their last win. So much emotion. You could feel pulse under the city for a good month. Even people that didn't really care about either the Cubs or the Sox were eager and excited to talk about the Southside Hitmen. Glory be the days for Chicago Southsiders post 2005 World Series title as Bridgeport will never be the same. Elevation. Everyone needs it and has their own way of reaching the level of intensity they wish to achieve. For the time after CA, I had to remind myself to go back to the place I felt there on that beautiful avocado farm. I bet it looks different now. The trees were pruned to promote more nutrient filled avocados. I now have new places to go and to draw from so that this nutrient filled new lifestyle can continue the bettering. word.

ROAD THOUGHTS

2006-10-11T13:26:00.000-05:00

You might think I'm crazy, for driving all night long. You might think I'm foolish to keep the moon as my guide. You might think it's hysterical to drive with all these wheels, but all I want is peace. It is the most peaceful thing to drive through the night with the moon at my back lighting the clear highway. Every day you meet people that complain or exclaim how something is fucked up. "It's freezing!" or "You're insane!" are two in each category that comes to mind. Sure, I am technically having "affairs" (harmless? who knows. are they affairs? what else would you call them?) with two gents and most of the people that know about it have an opinion, good or bad, but try not to pass judgement on me at least. To a housewife, hearing this information could possibly make her that much more uncomfortable about her husband working long hours or traveling a lot and to her I apologize. To others I apologize, too, but not so specifically because there are so many variations and I won't apologize to all woman because I hate most in so many ways. For the ladies like myself, commitment has not been the best friend we never had, in fact, it has been quite damaging to me in a lot of ways and only recently have I wanted to open up that part of my life again. Until about 2 years ago, I used to commit to just about everything or everyone, so I thought, but I have been continuously disappointed and hurt, by my self. My therapist is constantly telling me to not be so hard on my self, but I can't help it. My sister said it just the other day, "It's hard to be a perfectionist when you can't focus". Ah, indeed. This road trip has allowed excellent family time and major self reflection pre and post vacation. I love flying, but it is restrictive to have people have to pick you up and renting cars is expensive on top of the flight, so driving is commitment able. Willingly I stayed with my sister, her husband, and their three children longer than I had anticipated and it proved useful and delightful. Child rearing is something so familiar and so not something I want to handle or watch. Luckily, my mother doesn't surround herself with friends or relatives that would constantly ask how my love life is going and (in a Long Island accent) 'why haven't cha married yet?' And to my surprise most of my friends seem to want to ask, but know well enough, if it is happening, I will most certainly talk about it. I got a super serenade on my voice mail when I came home yesterday. The day I left to go to Virginia and NYC, MC Raz left a little Rainbow Connection with he and Mr. Paul Williams. How spectacularly sweet and too thoughtful for words. Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself when it comes to that kid and his giving, his talents, his super sensitive side and his great laugh. He is my favorite person ever. He is my Kermit the Frog in the flesh not Muppet. What's even more interesting, I think of him an awful lot because he is such a force in my life, but this trip, I didn't listen to a lot of his stuff as I normally would and it was just kind of interesting that he would do that the day I drove out to Va. Ah, timing. The radio got the music bid for the trip out. I must say the top three stations consistantly through the trip were country, Rap/Hip Hop/new R&B, and the evangelist/Jesus people. That was the first Chicago to Va road trip without cigs. Turning the dial helped with the fidgety behavior. Road trips rule.

WEST HO!

2006-10-10T08:07:00.000-05:00

Every once in a while I get these extraordinary epiphanies that make me feel incredibly small. The more I think about venturing out west, the more I feel it's just for me and not a career path move. Call me selfish, but I'm almost sick of hearing other people's stories (tornado victims, myspace heroes, joe schmoe bloggers, etc) and it's making me not want to put my shit out there even though I have two blogs and am continuing to think about stand up. I definitely want to move west and it may be sooner than April if things work out, but the more I delve in my head about the subject of "the business" in any capacity, I'd rather be around real people than people of the industries. Don't get me wrong, I love show bidness, but to immerse myself in it to do the same thing that millions of other people are doing brings hives to my neck. I can't get over the competition aspect of performing. It all becomes a test and I am a horrific test taker. I remember in elementary school my best friend Danny and I were put in the principal's office or something to take a "smart" test. Fuck if I knew what it was because I couldn't pay attention long enough to grasp the concept. Apparently, I wasn't a gifted child and I have long since accepted that, but in all honesty, the lack of competition and self confidence was never present. Something happened and I stopped feeling confident enough to grab the bull by the horns and go after the things that I want. Whatever everybody else wants to do is fine as long as we're all going and having a good time. Now it's just me. I'm fine with that because it sure does cost less, but for the most part, I am the only single of my close friends. I've been waiting for this to start happening and the circle around me just got tighter. There are several positives along with the usual negatives and I have been doing a tremendous job with not feeling like a third wheel. The benefits include, but not limited to are some free meals, good company, and a change of scenery. One of the uncomfortable aspects of this is the unintentional pity. Believe you me, I'd love to have a significant man in my life, but at this point that might be the only thing that is a major force in my ability to travel with no strings. I was just stag at a wedding two weeks ago and I have another with the same accompaniment in just about a week. I've never been asked to go a wedding with a man except a roommate situation, nor have I been asked to dance at a wedding other than by friends. Ohhhh whoa is me. This sounds so cliche, awesome. The bottom line is that these occurrences are fun, exciting, and super helpful to put happy times and super people in my head. It was helpful to visit with some of the most amazing friends in NYC a week ago. I am truly blessed (yes, it is a blessing to have wonderful friends, family, and health) to have these people in my life and though it can't always be full of visits like it was this year, it has been awesome.

NOTE: This has been sitting as a draft for a few weeks adding a few points today and it sure is apparent that I continue to have the same junk swimming in my head. Clarity is approaching, I can feel it.

Veg - it

2006-09-24T22:12:00.000-05:00

When I become a vegetarian, I reserve the right to have special occasions. I'll say it now, yes indeed, I know the stomach problems that will ensue once my body becomes acclimated to the true herbivore lifestyle. The reason I allow it is to see if indeed, Dr Allen Carr knows what he's talking about in his book The EASYWEIGH to Lose Weight. This book requires more than the single week The EASYWAY to Stop Smoking took because there isn't just one thing I'm letting go of right away. Right now the best piece of meat I've ever devoured was a piece of Fillet Mignon from Morton's in No VA. The most delectable piece of beef I've ever had and there are not many meals that I can pinpoint favorites per se. Granted the Chipotle steak bowl with no beans will now have to be beans with no steak. Legumes. I spent part of yesterday repeating that word as if to get used to it in my vocab. Legumes. <produces repeated chuckles> It occurred to me that eating meat has always sicked me out somehow, but I just thought it was normal and focused on the end taste as opposed to the process of the presentation. It makes no good sense to have meat cooked, seasoned, and presented in such a way and now to be told that it's all false and incredibly hard to digest. Mind you, I judge not and I love meat, but I have had such a change of heart about meat and yes, I'm reading a book on weight loss after reading a book on how to stop smoking (9 wks and counting) with no regrets. To each his own for sure and yet, I totally agree with this man in all aspects of his teachings. More people who don't know these instructions should read his works. I can not believe that I stopped smoking and feel so far detached from being a smoker that I almost forget that I was one. I hope the same for meat. It is going to be a process. It is going to be interesting, too, as eventually I will weed out dairy. If it works, let it be for the best. I shared a wonderful feast with two good friends the other evening and they prepared scrumptious vegetarian dishes to celebrate Rosh Hashanah. It is dedication to cook vegetarian and though I missed most of the cooking and prep process, knowing them and knowing how much they love to cook leads me to believe that it is worth the process for them. If you don't like or don't know the first thing about cooking, get a cookbook and start learning. Today was the last home game for the White Sox and I had got a seat in the bleachers. The day was perfect. Perfect for baseball, perfect for last game, and perfect for multiple tiny reasons. First off, to be able to drive to the game is awesome and know where to park in non-permit zones is great. Not minding the walk from that parking spot, even better, and getting to the game early. Some bumps, but things that certainly didn't damper anything. First bump was that I forgot to put deodorant on, but the weather turned out cooler and I kept my arms slammed against my sides while I walked. The seat was wet and I had meant to bring a Sox towel with me, but I didn't so it was good that I had picked up extra napkins. I had told myself that I would be getting a bratwurst to celebrate the end of eating meat with the Sox and I subconsciously bought a veggie burger and a pretzel. Crazy. I had already made the decision and my body and mind are almost in sync.

Magless

2006-09-19T22:54:00.000-05:00

It has been said that everyone is different, yet, we all, in one way or another, buy into the same stuff. I say I hate Tom Cruise and could give two poops about his kid, but as soon as I saw her, I wanted to buy the fucking magazine (so I looked at every web page that had the tiny pic to find out she's too cute to be his kid). Buying magazines used to be my purpose in life among other useless talents. I collect, therefore I am a pack rat. Man. Everything from 16 to Teen Beat and Rolling Stone to Vanity Fair (which ended the month before Suri) has kept me way caught up on the most useless of all information. It makes no difference that I have the 16 mag from 1989 with The Monkees on it. I don't really, but did however; I wouldn't buy it a second time. Even when constructing the Russell Crowe montage, I bought two of every mag, and some of those were international, more than $3 a piece. Crazy. Pointless. I only read a small percentage of the mags an even smaller percentage of actually reading the whole thing. In fact, off hand, nowadays Rolling Stone and Radar are the only mags I remember reading for more than just what cute dudes were featured. Too bad Radar only lasted 3 (?) issues. It was pretty cool. Not cool however to give them $40 for two years of mags. That is the #1 reason I have not renewed any subscriptions. I am fathomed by the amount of money I spent on mags as a child let alone as an adult. Not candy; fucking magazines. Mostly to cut up and put on my wall. Of course I could give a shit about Kurt Cameron or Becca's boyfriend from Life Goes On. Gimme more Ralph Macchio and of course NKOTB. I still keep the montage of Russell on the wall and only as of late have I thought of selling it. What we sell when we need the money because the things we are selling are what caused us to need more money. I sure wish I could ebay that dang Monkees' 16 mag. That might could bring in some dizzzzough.

Selfish Cliches

2006-08-31T18:38:00.000-05:00

What happened is fitting, really. I've been trying to better myself emotionally and physically without becoming self absorbed or overly selfish. It's a tough call sometimes. Now, I totally understand people who have kids and they have virtually no time outside the kids let alone time with their spouse or themselves. I have so much time to myself that I don't know what to do so I get stoned. Well, now that we have removed one vice the third less active vice gets to step up (#1 food, #2 pot, #3 sex). The cig vice removal has led way to a new confidence and more productive side to me that I thought lay dormant. I can be quite productive. This new level is allowing me to forget important dates even though I was thinking about it every day until 3 days before because some fucking friend had issues that distracted me. No excuses. I can't fucking believe I forgot my brother's 40th birthday. I am a terrible sibling, but we're all terrible. We rarely talk on the phone. The brother that turned 40, Matt, and I get along really well. We talk more than either of us talk to our other sister and brother. I feel terrible and to add insult, I ordered him Allen Carr's Easy Way to get him going on the next course of his life. It didn't seem righteous sending him the book then, but now it seems just a touch on the preachy side. Oh well, he can throw the book at me later. I hope he takes it as good intent and not me soapboxing out on him. In light of the change in my attitude, lifestyle, and healing process, I was able to handle something that would have probably been a blow not too long ago. The last 3 years has been witness to a long distance affair. I wish it had been a little more romantic, but that may have complicated it even more. The cost stars were his girlfriend and my low self esteem. My bad for continuing from my end as I made it clear that what was happening was morally unacceptable, but it didn't seem that much of a concern for him at the time. Well, this week, it matters. As strangely dissappointed I am about the rejection, and pissed off about the one sided sexual acts (and I worked pretty hard for him), I'm proud of him and hope that I find a man who has reached the morality level that he may have since experiencing this change. It was very selfish of him to take advantage of me, but I let him do it. I should have ended it a long time ago, but I felt like at least I had him wanting me. So sad to feel that way about someone who has been more selfish about it all along. Oh, he made sure that I climaxed, if I could participate, I made sure that I wouldn't fake it, because that is something else I won't do and of course I tried to get him off as well (sometimes even when I couldn't participate). Fitting because I forgot my brother's fn 40th birthday and I got fucked and "dumped" (quotes because it really wasn't a dumping, but then again it was a 3 year affair- even though it's only a girlfriend) in a rather selfish manner. I know it, he knows it, and now you know it. Damn, I worked the shit out of his cock! I'm still thinking about it, want to get off on it, and it reminds me that I'm mad about it. You fucking douchebag! Holy crap. For this, I am curling up and watching a Leave it to Beaver marathon with my newly arrived 1st season DVD.